The decision to choose adoption is a brave and selfless act that many women make for various reasons. But the decision will always be up to you. And we will always be here to help guide you toward making the best decision for yourself and your baby.

You can always contact us online to get more free adoption information now.

Top 5 Reasons Why Pregnant Women Are Considering Adoption

1. They want a loving and stable home for their baby

One of the most common reasons pregnant women consider adoption is because they want their child to grow up in a stable and loving home. Some may not be ready to parent, while others might not have the financial resources to provide for a child.

By placing your child for adoption, you can give your child the opportunity to grow up in a home with loving parents who are ready and able to provide for them. An adoption agency is committed to helping you make the best decision for yourself and your baby by providing necessary resources such as:

• 24/7 counseling and support
• Financial assistance for pregnancy and living expenses
• A wide variety of pre-screened adoptive families to choose from
• References to additional professionals
• Post-placement counseling and support

2. They want to give their baby the best life possible

Many birth parents considering adoption for their babies want to give them the best life. This could mean that they want their baby to have access to resources and opportunities they may not be able to provide themselves. By choosing adoption, you can find comfort in knowing that an adoptive family can provide your child with a secure future filled with endless opportunities.

National adoption agencies are the best to work with because they work across the country to help you find the right family for your baby. These agencies have a wide variety of families to choose from, allowing you to be as specific as you want about the type of family you’re looking for.

You can narrow down families based off of:

• Age
• Race
• Marital status
• Religious beliefs
• And more

Check out some waiting adoptive family profiles here.

3. They want to maintain a connection with their baby

Many birth mothers aren’t aware that most modern adoptions involve some form of contact with the adoptive family and child. When considering adoption, you can choose the level of openness in the process, from receiving letters and photos of your child to having a direct personal relationship with the adoptive parents.

Birth mother Cori grew to love the adoptive family she chose for her baby. She knew her baby was in good hands by getting to know them.

“They were so open and kind, and from the first exchanges we had, I knew that I picked out a wonderful family,” Cori said. “I know how wonderful his life is and will be. He will have a loving, secure home to rest his head in for the rest of his life. Every day, when I wake up, I know that he will be okay and he will spend his day in the arms of his loving parents.”

4. They want to regain control of their life

An unexpected pregnancy can make prospective birth mothers feel out of control. The adoption process allows you to take control of your situation in ways your other unplanned pregnancy options may not. When considering adoption for your baby, you’re in charge all the way through.

From choosing a family to deciding what you want your hospital stay to look like. When you work with an adoption agency, they’ll connect you with a birth parent specialist to help you create a personalized adoption plan. You’ll call all the shots while your adoption agency handles all the other aspects of your adoption. Every decision in the adoption process begins with you.

5. They want a better future for themselves and their baby

Many birth mothers consider adoption to create a brighter future for themselves and their children. Some have plans to further their education, advance their careers, and even get married. Raising a child would financially and practically delay many of these future plans.

Adoption lets you focus on pursuing your dreams while knowing your baby is in a loving and supportive household. Your child will have access to limitless opportunities with adoptive parents who have been preparing to welcome your baby into their home.

Although there are many common reasons birth mothers choose adoption, every situation is unique, and if you find yourself relating to any of these reasons, adoption could be the right choice for you. Are you ready to begin your adoption journey? Contact an adoption agency now to get more free adoption information.

The post Top 5 Reasons Why Pregnant Women Are Considering Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

However, there has been a massive increase in negative feedback, particularly on platforms like TikTok. We’re here to dive deeper into why there has been a rise in adoption conversations on social media. And we’ll also take a look at how much adoption has changed throughout the years.

If you have any questions, contact us online to get more free information now.

Social Media and Adoption Explained

Using social media for adoption has undoubtedly changed the way we communicate and connect with each other. It has also been a useful tool for adoptive families to connect with birth parents, adoption agencies, and other families who have gone through the adoption process.

However, social media has also exposed some of the negative aspects of adoption. Social media influencer adoption has become increasingly popular, with many people sharing their adoption journeys with their followers. While this can be a positive way to raise awareness, many adoptees have turned to social media to share their experiences with adoption.

In the past, there was a lot of stigma surrounding adoption, and many adoptions were conducted in a secretive manner. This made it more common for adoptive families to choose a closed adoption, leaving adoptees to wonder about their past.

Adopted Children and Social Media

Now that adoption has been a hot topic on social media platforms like TikTok, adoptees are finding ways to express themselves and how they feel about adoption. Since they’re adopted themselves, they want to educate others on what it feels like to be adopted.

Adoption and the use of social media have become more common among adoptees that have had negative experiences with adoption. They use the platform to voice their concerns about adoption, and some even push for adoption reform. Although these experiences are valid, it’s important to recognize the evolution of adoption and what it consists of now.

Open adoption has become much more common than it was in the past. This allows adoptees to have access to information about their birth parents and their original birth certificate. Although this can’t eliminate adoptees’ trauma, it can help adoptees understand their identity and origin.

Adoptee Diana was placed in an open adoption in 1991. She continues to advocate for open adoption contact as it helped her have a positive view of adoption.

“I credit the openheartedness of my birth and adoptive families as the reason why I have such positive feelings toward my adoption,” Diana said. “There are a lot of adoptees who struggle with a lack of information and history, and many are also struggling with racial or cultural identity. If you’re considering adoption, you must first consider the needs of every type of adoptee and make sure that you’re ready to meet those needs.”

Benefit of Modern Day Adoptions

Despite the challenges associated with social media and adoption, adoption has drastically changed from how it was in the past. It can provide a loving home and a bright future for children who may not have had these opportunities otherwise.

Many national adoption agencies put birth mothers in control of the process. They’ll get to decide if they want to maintain contact with their child, whether they want to hold their baby after birth and much more. Birth mothers will also get access to free, 24/7 emotional support and counseling to ensure they’re 100% sure of their decision.

For adoptees, they’ll get the chance to build and maintain a connection with their birth parents. National adoption agencies recognize the benefits of open adoption contact for adoptees, which is why these agencies only work with adoptive parents who are comfortable with open adoption contact.

As adoptees grow and ask more questions about their adoption, it’s helpful for birth and adoptive parents to have a positive relationship. The decision to pursue an open adoption is the birth mother’s choice, and while these agencies will never force a birth mother into contact they aren’t comfortable with, there’s education available about how beneficial post-placement contact can be for themselves and their child. Contact an adoption agency today for more free information.

The post What to Know About Social Media and Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Fortunately, if you were involved in a closed adoption, there are many genealogy websites out there that can help fill in the gaps in your adoption story. We’re here to explain how genealogy websites can help you learn more about your adoption story, along with some tips on how to begin your search.

You can always fill out this contact form if you have any questions about search and reunification. We’d be more than happy to help!

How Can Genealogy Websites Help With Search and Reunification?

For adoptees, genealogy websites and family trees are a helpful way for you to connect with family members and can help you understand where you came from. Through search and reunion, you can piece together your identity while having the opportunity to create a meaningful relationship.

When it comes to birth parents, you may have decided to pursue a closed adoption and changed your mind. In this case, you might take advantage of genealogy websites and family trees as an opportunity to find out who your child is and how they’re doing. Through modern technology, you’ll have the chance to reconnect with your child.

Birth mother DeAnn Link was involved in a closed adoption in 1996. She had searched everywhere to try and reconnect with her daughter, but had no luck. Through Ancestry.com, Link was able to submit her DNA, hoping to finally reunite with her daughter.

“I know she’s out there, and I know I’ll find her soon. The more I try, the more I put myself out there, the more she’ll be able to see it,” Link said. “I was so young when everything went on, and it’s been a missing piece in my heart since then.”

Are There Any Downsides to Using Genealogy Websites?

Although these websites can be good for those looking to reunite with family members, some birth parents choose a closed adoption for a reason. As hard as it can be on adoptees, many birth parents may not want to be found. The same can be true for adoptees.

When located through a DNA tracking service, many birth parents and adoptees have no say in how they’re found. This can be a violation of privacy and can potentially do more harm than good. It’s important to ask yourself if the benefits outweigh the negatives before you decide to use a DNA tracking site to locate a family member.

Tips on How to Use Genealogy Websites for Reunification

It’s important to think about all aspects of the adoption triad before you use genealogy websites for reunification. Here are some tips to help you as you begin your search:

1. Gather as much information as you can

If you’re an adoptee, try and involve your adoptive parents to get as much information as you can from them. They’ll be a helpful resource as they may remember some details about your birth parents. The more information you have, the easier it’ll be for you once you decide to start your search online.

For birth parents, try to remember as much information as you can about the adoption. This can help you as you begin the process of searching for your child through genealogy websites. From there, you can submit a DNA test and see if anything matches.

2. Be open-minded

As you’re thinking about using a genealogy website for reunification, try and be as open-minded as you can. Sometimes it can be hard when a situation doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Having an open mind can help relieve the disappointment you may feel if an adoption reunification doesn’t go the way you planned.

3. Be patient

It can take some time for DNA test results to come back, so it’s important to remain patient as you begin your search. This can help you if you find that it’s taking longer than usual for a DNA match to come back. Once you have completed your DNA sample, it will be put in a database and will be compared to other samples, which can take some time. To learn more about search and reunification with genealogy websites, fill out our contact form to get more information now.

The post How Genealogy Websites Impact Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

When you feel like it’s time to start telling people you’re a birth parent, you may be nervous or unsure. Many people don’t understand adoption today, especially from the birth parent perspective. It’s important to be prepared for the responses that you may receive.

Are you ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent? Here are a few pieces of advice for sharing your identity as a birth parent.

Remember, it’s Personal

Choosing adoption for your child is never wrong or bad, but it is personal. Becoming a birth parent is a huge event in your life that has likely changed your life in more ways than one. Not everyone needs to know that you’re a birth parent unless you want them to know. You should never feel forced or obligated to share such a personal piece of who you are until you’re ready.

That being said, there may be people that are an important part of your personal life that may benefit from knowing that you’re a birth parent. Maybe you chose not to tell those people — close family, romantic partner, best friends — because it was not the right time to share. Now that you’ve moved closer to coping with your adoption, perhaps it’s the right time to tell them that you’re a birth parent. This is especially true if you are in an open adoption where you communicate regularly, receive updates or even have in-person visits.

Your Child is Still an Important Part of Your Life

Whether you chose open adoption, semi-open adoption or closed adoption, your child is still an important part of your life. The experience of childbirth and voluntarily terminating your parental rights will always be a memory that may run across your mind – frequently or every now and again. If you choose to tell people that you’re a birth parent, this opens you up to discuss your thoughts about your child and sharing your child’s milestones with others.

Your adoption story is unique to you and your child which means that you have your own experiences and beliefs about your adoption. However, the fact remains that you are brave and selfless for wanting the best for your child whether you decide to tell others that you’re a birth parent or not. You chose adoption because you wanted your child to live their best possible life. It’s normal to love your child and be proud of your child even if you placed your child for adoption. No matter how you approach the subject of being a birth parent, your child will always be important to you.

You’re a Birth Parent? Tell Me More!

When you tell someone that you’re a birth parent, they may want to know more or they could leave an uncomfortable silence because they don’t know what’s appropriate to say. This could be a great opportunity to spread adoption awareness. Normalizing adoption for the general public can spread the message of the benefits of adoption, helping other prospective birth parents know that it’s OK to choose adoption for their child.

Here are a few suggestions of things to consider when you tell someone that you’re a birth parent and they either want to know more or they don’t know how to respond:

• Adoption was a difficult decision, but the best part of my adoption experience has been…
• I think about my child every day, but adoption was the best decision for us because…
• Adoption isn’t for everyone, but I think prospective birth parents should consider adoption because…
• I chose open adoption to have contact with my child and the experience has been…

“I Could Never ‘Give My Child Up’ for Adoption” [Dealing with Negative Responses]

Many people don’t know the facts about adoption, especially about the birth parent’s experience. There may be those who respond to your declaration negatively or who can be harsh, but their reactions have nothing to do with you.

Adoption is a precious gift and that doesn’t change.

You’re the expert on your adoption story and you have experienced the true meaning of adoption. You don’t have to allow negative responses or judgement to color your clear view of adoption. That being said, when you tell someone that you’re a birth parent there will likely be questions. Here are a few common questions you may be asked:

• Why did you give your baby away?
• Did you do it for money?
• Can you get your child back?
• Is your child angry with you?
• Do you regret giving your baby away?
• Were you taking the easy way out of responsibility?

Keep in mind, if someone asks insensitive questions or makes a negative comment about you being a birth parent, you don’t owe them any answers or explanations. You can even make it clear that their questions are rude and insensitive. If you get a response like, “I could never give my child up for adoption,” you can simply tell them that adoption isn’t for everyone, but the welfare of your child was the most important consideration, and that you did what you felt was best in your individual situation.

On the other hand, someone may ask these questions because they genuinely have no experience with adoption language and etiquette. You can take their questions as an opportunity to educate them about adoption through your personal story, or you can choose not to further engage with that person on the topic of adoption. You are in control of when and how you tell someone that you’re a birth parent.

Prepare Your Answers in Advance

If you do choose to answer questions about being a birth parent, you may feel more confident by practicing your answers. You can always say more or less, depending on how you feel and who you’re talking to about being a birth parent. Here are a few examples of responses that can help you think about and create your own prepared answers.

• I placed my baby with a loving family. I did not ‘give my baby away.’
• My goal for choosing adoption was not to get my child back. I was committed to adoption and my child’s future.
• I miss my child, but I don’t regret giving my child the opportunity to have the best life that they deserve.

When you give a strong, positive response to someone who has negative ideas of adoption, this could open up more questions of curiosity. People often don’t realize that birth parents are in control of the entire adoption process. It may help you to think back to what you may not have known about adoption before you experienced it firsthand.

Think of your prepared responses this way: How would you tell your past self that you’re a birth parent? How would you explain adoption to yourself before your unplanned pregnancy?

Don’t Worry, You’ll Know When the Timing is Right

Trying to force the fact that you’re a birth parent into the conversation if you’re already nervous can make you feel even more uncomfortable. Just allow the conversation to unfold naturally. New acquaintances may ask you, “Do you have any kids?” People who already know that you’re not raising children may ask, “When are you going to have kids?” This could be a good opportunity for you to say, “I’m a birth parent, I chose adoption for my child.”

Sometimes it may be easier for you to introduce the topic on your own terms. Starting with an opener like, “I have something important to tell you,” can prepare you and the other person to focus on the importance of the topic at hand. Remember to let the other person know that it’s good news and that it’s information you’re proud (and maybe somewhat nervous) to share.

If you have a picture of your child, this can be a great way to help you introduce yourself as a birth parent. Most people love to see pictures and this can create the space that you need in a conversation to tell someone that you’re a birth parent. Being able to show people that your child is a happy and healthy adoptee can set the tone for the conversation and may ease the stress or tension that you might have had.

When You’re Ready, Go for it

You can’t control what other people will say, think or feel when you tell them that you’re a birth parent. When you’re ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent, don’t let fear hold you back. This can help you continue your journey to coping with your adoption by voicing your feelings about being a birth parent.

If you’re thinking about telling someone that you’re a birth parent or if you feel like now is the time, this could be a sign that you’re ready. Each time that you get excited about receiving a picture of your child or interacting with them through video chat or in person, the desire to share this joy with the people in your life could be a sign that you’re ready to tell someone that you’re a birth parent. Now, all you have to do is go for it.

You may be surprised at the level of support and positivity that can come with telling someone that you’re a birth parent. When you say it, own it. At the end of the day, whether you tell others or not, you’ll always be a birth parent and a hero.

The post How to Tell Someone You’re a Birth Parent [7 Helpful Tips] first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Even if you know the only way you can give your baby the best life possible right now is through adoption, it’s normal to have doubts and second thoughts. It’s a life changing decision that comes with a lot of complex emotions. Bear in mind that you are always in control of your adoption process and you never have to do anything, including signing the adoption papers if you feel you are ready to parent.

What are Adoption Papers?

When you’ve heard about adoption, you probably hear the words “adoption papers” a lot. This paperwork includes the official legal documents that you sign to legally consent to the adoption and relinquish your parental rights.

 Adoption consent is regulated on a state level rather than federal. This is important to note because every state has different adoption consent laws. To learn more about adoption consent laws in your state talk to your adoption professional so that you can avoid any unexpected surprises if you change your mind about anything down the line.

You Can Change Your Mind

If you’re having second thoughts or worried that you might have second thoughts, most states have a minimum waiting period after the baby is born before you can sign the adoption papers. This is to ensure that you have enough time to really think about your decision and make sure all the proper arrangements are in place.

 The waiting period varies from state to state but typically ranges from 12 hours to 72 hours, or 3 days. So, if you do change your mind once the baby is born, you do have time to do so. You can change your mind about anything before officially consent to the adoption.

However, if parenting is a possibility that you are seriously considering, you should mention this to your adoption professional as soon as possible, even if you’re not completely sure. This allows them to be prepared to take the appropriate actions if you do decide that you want to parent.

Remember Why You’re Considering Adoption

Adoption isn’t a black and white decision. We understand that it can come with a lot of conflicting emotions. If you’re considering adoption, it’s because you feel you are not able or ready to give your baby the life you feel they deserve.

Just because you are considering “giving your baby up” for adoption does not mean you are giving up on your baby. In fact, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Choosing to place your baby with a hopeful adoptive couple who you feel can give your baby a life full of love and support is a very selfless and brave decision.

While its normal to have doubts about whether you’re making the right choice, remember to reflect on why you considered adoption in the first place.  The conflicting emotions you might be feeling are normal and your adoption professional can help you work through these emotions and consider your options.

You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you are struggling to raise your baby or regret not choosing adoption. However, if you are certain that you are willing and able to begin the beautiful journey of parenthood; you do not have to sign the adoption papers.

The post What If I Don’t Want to Sign the Adoption Papers? first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Choosing Semi-Open Adoption: I Didn’t Realize Everything I’d Be Missing

I didn’t question my semi-open adoption plan while it was being proposed. It was a basic five-year plan that I’m sure the adoption lawyer had used in several other adoption cases both before and after mine. It stated that after placement the adoptive parents would send correspondence through the agency to me in the form of written letters and photos of my daughter until she turned five. An update once every few months for the first year of her life and then once a year for the remaining four years. At the time, while still pregnant, I thought that sounded great; I was going to get to see pictures of her until she was five! I just saw what I was getting, not everything I was going to be missing.

Back then, 21 years ago, cameras required film to take pictures and then you had to get that film developed before you could see the images you had captured. It was later in the evening of the day I had placed my beautiful daughter in the arms of her new loving parents and said goodbye. I was anxiously awaiting my mom’s return from the drugstore after developing film so I could see all of the pictures I had taken of my daughter during the two days I cared for her in the hospital. I knew then, on that same day I had said goodbye to her, while looking at and crying over the pictures I was left with, that five years was going to pass way too fast. I was already regretting my semi-open adoption plan.

When I gave birth to my daughter I was 22. This is not an extremely young age, but I was still naïve. Naïve to the fact that I had a voice, that I could have asked for more, that by giving two people my daughter to raise, pictures were the very least of things they could offer in return. I had never previously dealt with an attorney before. Even lawyers with the best intentions can seem intimidating to a young pregnant girl. Before I continue, I want to clarify that I was not coerced in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do by either the attorney or adoptive parents. They treated me with respect and care. I was simply not equipped with enough information to have made the best decision for what my future as a birth mom would be like and how that sixth year with no more updates would affect me. Had I been warned, had I perhaps known another birth mom that had already gotten to the sixth year of a semi-open adoption plan, then my views of a more open plan for myself would have been much different.

Requesting Ongoing Contact

As feared, five years passed in the blink of an eye. I had met my husband a year after the adoption and we were married two years later. He witnessed how I would eagerly count down the days until the next update on my daughter, always around her summer birthday. How I would cherish every single photo and letter that provided me with just a glimpse into her world and who she was. He also saw the dread in me leading up to that fifth year. What was I going to do if I couldn’t see how tall she had grown next year? How will I know what kind of toys she liked to play with? What outfit did she wear for her first grade picture? What was she for Halloween; did she play any sports, was she in the talent show, was her birthday cake chocolate or vanilla? All the things I wouldn’t get to see or read about. All these tiny little details and moments that make up a lifetime.

I hadn’t considered a fully open adoption while pregnant. I felt that letting someone else raise her, that placing my baby in their arms was going to be hard enough for me to do just the one time. Saying goodbye devastated me. How would I be able to see her regularly and have to say goodbye again every single time they took her home with them? I couldn’t stand the idea of watching them walk away with her in their arms over and over again. These were the thoughts I had and the moments I played over in my head while pregnant, my reasoning for not wanting to see her after the papers were signed. I thought it would be too hard for me. It took all of three seconds after I said goodbye and watched her leave the hospital room for me to realize how ignorant I was for thinking that way.

At the five year mark when I knew I still wasn’t ready to see the updates come to an end I wrote a letter to the adoptive parents and sent it, as usual, through the adoption agency to reroute to them directly. In my letter I asked if they would be open to continuing our correspondence through the mail. I stated that I knew it wasn’t in our original agreement but that I would be very appreciative if they’d consider it anyway. Waiting for their reply was perhaps more stressful for my husband than for me. I decided to resign to the fact that I was asking for something they hadn’t signed up for and I would have to accept a “no thank you” in response. My husband thought they owed it to me to keep sending the photos, but it wasn’t a matter of owing anyone, it was a matter of adhering to a contract. The “no thank you” came in the mail about a week later.

Why I Encourage Pregnant Women to Choose Fully Open Adoption

Sixteen years have passed since I’ve received an update on my daughter. She is now legally old enough to obtain her adoption records from the agency on her own. My anticipation could no longer be contained and I sent two letters to the adoption agency last summer making sure all of my contact information was on file and up-to-date. I still haven’t heard anything from my daughter or her parents.

I remind myself every day to not shift blame onto anyone else. I made an agreement. I signed an adoption contract and regretted the terms almost immediately. No one else did this to me. My advice to any birth parent considering a semi-adoption plan would be to consider what you’re agreeing to miss out on. Letters and pictures for five years were a great thing and I am so grateful for each one that I have that shows me just a little bit of my daughter that I otherwise would not have gotten to see. However, I know that if I had been coached just a little differently, or had the opportunity to know/see through someone else what it’s like to be in a more open adoption agreement, I would go back and choose the fully open option a thousand times.

In my eyes, a more open plan would have eliminated the need for updates through the mail. I would have instead, chosen to see first-hand how much my daughter had grown and what flavor birthday cake she had, and maybe have even gotten to tag along for trick-or-treating. These are some of the moments I missed out on in real life and, as time passed, in pictures too. I know now that if I had the chance to see her regularly the frequent goodbyes wouldn’t have been as hard as the one in the hospital was 21 years ago. The right open adoption plan can mean not having to say goodbye, just “see you next time.”For me, and for now, I’ll just keep wearing the edges of the precious photos and letters I am lucky enough to have until the next time I get to see my beautiful daughter again.

Laura Tuzzio is a writer, wife, mom, and birth mom. She shares her story to inspire and educate anyone touched by adoption.

The post Why I Would Choose an Open Adoption Plan [Advice from a Birth Mom] first appeared on Considering Adoption.

My Early Childhood and Entering Foster Care

I entered foster care when I was three and I was in foster care for almost two years, so my foster care time was short. I was lucky that I was only placed with one foster family (that I can remember) and they ultimately adopted me.

When I was in foster care, I was too young to really know what foster care and my situation meant. There were a couple of visits with my biological mother in which she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, “Yes, but then I want to go back home with my mom and dad.” I just didn’t know who my biological mother was to me.

As I talk about it, I definitely feel that adoption was easily the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing the problems that my biological family went through (drugs, mental illness, jail, etc.) I’m grateful that’s a life I did not have to experience.

Even with the support of my foster/adoptive family, my early childhood traumas affected me through the years. There are plenty of stories. I was in a behavioral institute when I was about age 12 to try to curb some of my issues. It got out of control to the point where I was in a group home by age 14 and spent a month in jail at age 18. This isn’t every kid’s foster or adoption story, but I have various experiences from different aspects of my life that tie into my foster care and adoption experience.

My Foster Family and My Adoption

Life was pretty normal: I went to school, came home, and I did kid stuff. I had toys and other foster kids to play with at home. At one point, there were four foster kids, my foster parent’s two biological kids, and my foster parents living together.

My foster parents didn’t treat me any differently than their own biological children. I had my issues but my foster parents never held it against me ­— they always treated me with the best care. I was sickly and behind my level of development, but my foster parents were great at attending to the needs of each of their individual kids.

After my eye surgery, my foster mother said that I looked so helpless that she felt like she wanted to adopt me and protect me. April 29, 1986, I was adopted by the family that fostered me, and I have this date tattooed on my arm because it is a part of me.

My Birth Family

I am not in contact with my birth family currently. When I was younger, I thought of all the things they could have done better, but now I don’t think about it.

My birth mother did a few important things right, like completing and providing a medical history to the best of her knowledge. But the best thing my biological mother did was sign the consent to terminate her parental rights.

I never knew my dad. He was out of the picture from day one — in jail or on the run from the law. I just didn’t know him.

My biological parents have passed away, two of my biological siblings didn’t want anything to do with me when I reached out, and my third sibling was really hard for me to deal with. My biological sister informed me of family things and answered my questions but in general, I wish my siblings would have been more receptive to getting to know me.

Placing My Child for Adoption

I was completely ambivalent when I found out I was going to be a father. I don’t know — at that moment I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t register yet. But later, when I was taking care of my daughter, I knew I was not meant to be a father.

Parenting and adoption were the only options the birth mother and I ever considered together. Abortion was never a part of our conversations. We were going to try to parent, but after some time it just wasn’t meant to be.

My own history was a factor in placing my daughter for adoption. It also raised a lot of conflict for me. Even though our situations were different and I knew she would have a good life, I was still afraid she would have the same anger and resentment that I had. I went through a lot of emotional trauma as a child, and I feared that my child would have some of the same feelings of being “given up.” I didn’t want my daughter to have to go through that. I didn’t want her to experience the anger that I had. I did not want her to be angry with me. I worried about placing her for adoption, but I knew what the right thing to do was.

My mom was very supportive of my attempt to parent my daughter, but she was like, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t be caring for this kid.” We all talked, and we all wanted my daughter to stay in the family. Luckily, she is still in my family because my sister adopted her. I knew she would be well taken care of — more so than me or her mother could have.

Choosing to Place My Child with a Family Member

My sister is awesome. I don’t know how she does it. She had three kids already when she adopted my daughter. Unfortunately, my sister ultimately got divorced and her ex-husband doesn’t care about any of the children. My daughter loves her adopted father, but he just doesn’t care. Realistically, I’m sure there were probably better choices for parents for my daughter, but hindsight is 20/20.

Do your research when choosing to place your kid with a family member. Being family will blind you because you feel a certain way about them, but that doesn’t mean that family is the best choice.

My daughter is now 14. I don’t know when my daughter was told that she’s adopted, but she knows that I’m her father and she has known for a good handful of years. My daughter and I don’t talk about her adoption. But she knows I’m her dad. If she wants to talk about it, then we can talk.

Looking Back

I am extremely pro-adoption. There are tons of kids in the world who can’t be properly cared for by their biological parents. I still think my daughter is in a good place — I don’t know if it’s the best place, again because we are family we were all a little blinded to the realities of placing a child within the family.

Looking back, I’m glad I was sound enough in mind to know that I wasn’t fit to be a father and that I then made the conscious decision to place her for adoption. But if I could change anything, I wouldn’t have been so agreeable with my mother about placement within the family just because we’re family. I should have done more research. I don’t think anything I could have said to my younger self would have made any difference, except to do more research on adoption instead of placing my daughter with my sister.

I am proud of being the sound-minded adult that I am, in comparison to the troublesome, immature, angry, wrong-decision-making, younger self. That was me until probably my mid-twenties. I had to work through all my emotional baggage and all that fun stuff.

I absolutely believe that my foster care and adoption experience influenced who I am today. I’ve had my share of problems stemming from the neglect and instability I experienced in my early years. But knowing what I know about my biological family, it could have been infinitely worse for me. If I wasn’t adopted, I would have been raised by sub-par parents and been around siblings with drug addictions and mental instability and that’s just not conducive to a healthy life. So being taken away from that at a young age and being put into a positive, supportive, loving family formed the person that I am now.

To kids in foster care:

Don’t be angry. There are other people in the world that want to care for you. Don’t let the fact that your biological parents “didn’t want you” or couldn’t take care of you affect your views on life.

To men facing an unplanned pregnancy:

Be a part of the process, no matter what it is. You hear a lot of stories about fathers who run out. Man-up and deal with the situation — whether it’s parenting, abortion, or adoption. You need to sit down with her and with your support system and weigh your options. And as always, do your research.

To birth families:

To my biological family I would say, “Thanks for making the right choice.” I would be a different man if I had grown up with them, and not for the better.

To adoptive families:

I am beyond grateful for my adoptive parents. I would be a completely different person without them. My parents and I talk about adoption all the time and it’s just the best thing that ever happened.

Learn more about foster care, and how to foster or adopt through foster care here.

Learn more about the potential pros and cons of kinship/relative adoptions here.

Learn more about the process of placing a child for adoption here.

The post Foster Care Adoptee to Birth Father: Matthew’s Story first appeared on Considering Adoption.

As of December 11, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first COVID-19 vaccine from Pfizer for emergency use. A second vaccine developed by Moderna was approved on December 18^th.

The authorization of these vaccines has brought about many questions and concerns, especially among pregnant women. Is the COVID-19 vaccine safe for me if I’m pregnant? Will the vaccine harm my unborn child?

These concerns are valid. In short, if you are a woman who is pregnant, you can receive the vaccine.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, while pregnant women were excluded from the vaccine clinical trials, both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are an mRNA which does not contain a live or whole virus. This means it’s highly unlikely to harm women who are pregnant or their unborn baby, and have historically been proven to be safe.

While not much is yet known about how the vaccine interacts with pregnancy, pregnant women are at a greater risk of contracting severe cases of COVID-19, which could result in a high risk pregnancy.

If you are a woman who is pregnant and you want the vaccine, talk to your adoption professional and healthcare provider to determine if receiving the vaccine is the right choice for you.

3 Facts to Know When Considering the COVID-19 Vaccine

A few things you should know if you’re pregnant and thinking about get the COVID vaccine:

1. There are two COVID-19 vaccines.

• Pfizer. This vaccine requires 2 separate injections 21 days apart. Data shows that it starts working soon after the first dose and has an efficacy rate of 95% after the second dose.
• Moderna. This vaccine requires to injections 28 days apart and has an efficacy rate of 94.1% after the second dose.

2. The vaccine is an mRNA.

Both vaccines are mRNA vaccines and do not contain a live virus. These vaccines work by using genetic material called messenger RNA (mRNA) that gives your cells instructions on how to make a protein similar to that found in coronavirus.  Your immune system recognizes the foreign protein as a threat and starts building an immune response.

3. Pregnancy is a risk factor for COVID-19.

Many side effects of pregnancy such as hypertension and weight gain increase the chance of contracting COVID-19. Researchers recommend that healthcare providers do not withhold the vaccine from women who are pregnant.

3 Busted Myths about the COVID-19 Vaccine

You’ve likely heard some myths about the vaccine, including:

Myth 1: The COVID-19 vaccine causes infertility.

One of the most common unfounded rumors surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine is that it can result in infertility. There is no scientific backing to support this, whatsoever. Since the vaccine is an mRNA, it does not contain the live virus and does not interact with genetic material.  Other mRNA vaccines have not resulted in infertility in the past.

Myth 2: The COVID-19 vaccine is unsafe because it was developed so rapidly.

The urgency of the pandemic spurred many pharmaceutical companies to invest in a vast amount of resources so that a COVID-19 vaccine could be developed as quickly as possible. Though the development of the vaccine was quick, this does not mean any corners were cut.  The development of both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccine followed safety protocols and have been approved by the FDA.

Myth 3: There are severe side effects.

There have only been reports of mild reactions such as soreness at the site of injection, and half of recipients reporting headaches, fatigue, or fever that typically resolves in a day or two. These side effects are a result of your body’s immune system responding to the vaccine, and have been observed with other vaccines.

If you are pregnant woman and worried about COVID-19, you can get the vaccine. If you still have reservations or questions about the vaccine’s side effects or how it might affect your pregnancy, talk to your doctor and adoption professional.

The post Should You Get the COVID-19 Vaccine If You’re Pregnant? first appeared on Considering Adoption.

And, because only fellow birth parents can understand what this position is like, there are a lot of misunderstandings and harmful comments out there.

In the second part of our three-part series, we’ve gathered 10 things not to say a birth parent, regardless of their personal adoption story.

1. “Why did you give your child up?”

There are two reasons why you should never say this to a birth parent.

First, placing a child for adoption is not “giving up” or “giving away” a child. If a child is placed through domestic infant adoption, a birth parent makes the active decision to do so. They plan their child’s future by selecting their adoptive parents and deciding what post-placement relationship they’ll share. Similarly, if a child was adopted through foster care, their birth parent did not voluntarily “give up” the child; instead, reunification efforts failed after the child was removed from their custody.

Second, it’s never anyone else’s business why a birth parent chooses adoption. Placing a child is such a personal, difficult decision. Birth parents often agonize for months before choosing this path. They don’t owe anyone (except their birth child) an explanation for why they did it.

2. “Did you get paid for adoption?”

Among the many misconceptions there are about infant adoption, this continues to be one of the most prevalent. Birth parents are never “paid” for placing their child for adoption, and it’s incredibly rude to even suggest it.

Birth parents receive financial assistance during pregnancy to protect their health and wellbeing, but these payments never obligate a woman to ultimately choose adoption. A lot goes into that ultimate decision, but the implication of “payment for placement” is not part of it.

3. “Your child would have been better off with you.”

This is an easy blanket statement to make, and you’ll see it frequently from adoption critics. But the fact is that no one knows what’s best for her child except for a prospective birth mother.

No one can understand a birth mother’s position and the reasons why she chose adoption. She may have been financially unprepared to raise a child, or she may have been struggling with substance abuse or an abusive relationship.

With or without knowledge of those reasons, this is a cruel statement to make. It invalidates a birth mother’s choice to do what is best for her own child. Even if you disagree with a birth parent’s decision, you must respect it and their belief that it was the best path for their own and their child’s future.

4. “At least you didn’t choose abortion.”

Just because a woman chooses to place her child for adoption doesn’t mean she didn’t also consider abortion. In fact, many women equally consider their three unplanned pregnancy options before deciding on adoption.

A pregnant woman has the right to make whatever decision is best for her, even if it’s abortion. You may think you’re applauding a woman for choosing adoption instead of abortion, but you don’t know how seriously she may have considered the latter. Abortion may have even been her first choice, whereas adoption was the necessary second option.

Bringing up abortion after the pregnancy and adoption are complete can also bring up lingering feelings of guilt and regret. It’s best to look to the future, not the past, when discussing adoption with a birth parent.

5. “Do you regret your decision?”

Every birth parent experiences some degree of grief and sadness about their adoption decision. For many, it can take years to fully recover and be proud of their decision. Some days are easier than others; it’s normal for birth parents to have conflicting emotions during and after their pregnancy and placement. And, for birth parents whose children are adopted via foster care, it’s an even more complicated bundle of emotions.

Don’t ask this question. Doing so will only bring up those tough emotions that a birth parent has worked hard to overcome.

6. “A pregnancy/child is a gift.”

Not everyone wants to be a parent. This blanket statement won’t apply to every birth parent — and it can make birth parents feel guilty when it doesn’t.

There are many reasons to place a child for adoption, but not wanting to be a parent or have a child is equally as valid as the others. Don’t impose your beliefs on birth parents. Instead, respect their own (including whatever personal details they choose to share with you).

This statement, while well-meaning, can only increase the guilt and sadness a birth parent already feels about their choice.

7. “How could you give away your child to someone else?”

Remember what we’ve said before: Adoption is not “giving up” or “giving away.”

Whether you’re speaking to a birth parent of a private infant adoption or a foster care adoption, be sensitive and don’t pry. You may not understand their personal decision, and that’s OK. But you do have to respect that this decision was theirs to make.

And, again, a birth parent doesn’t have to explain their adoption story to anyone except their birth child.

8. “Adoption was the selfish thing to do.”

In most cases, adoption is actually the most selfless thing a prospective birth parent can do. It involves making the difficult decision to recognize what’s best for their child — even if that is found with another set of parents.

It’s not “the easy way out” to place a child for adoption. It’s a decision that requires months of soul-searching and selfless steps.

By using this phrase or another like it, you invalidate the hardest decision a birth parent has likely made in their life.

9. “You’re not a ‘real’ mom/dad.”

Just like adoptive parents, birth parents can’t catch a break when it comes to qualifying the “realness” of their parenthood. But parents and parent figures come in many different shapes and sizes. Birth parents play a unique role in a child’s life, just as grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends do.

A birth parent is just as important as an adoptive parent. They made perhaps the bravest decision a parent ever could. Whether or not they are an active part of their child’s life, they are still just as much a “parent” as the person who raises their child.

10. “Didn’t you want your baby?”

There’s no point in asking this question unless you want to shame or guilt a birth parent. Of course the majority of birth parents would have preferred to parent their child. Placing a child for adoption is not a decision made overnight; a birth parent likely labored for months before choosing this path.

Rather than ask this question (which you know the answer to), you can commend a birth parent on their brave and selfless decision. That’s something they don’t hear every day — even though they should.

Any other comments and questions we missed? Drop them in the comments below.

And check out our first part of the series, “10 Things Never to Say to an Adoptee,” here.

The post 10 Things Never to Say to a Birth Parent first appeared on Considering Adoption.

That’s why it can be so difficult when you learn that your younger sibling is going to be placed for adoption.

How can you respond to this situation? You may have an urge to fix it, or to stop the adoption. Or, maybe you already think it’s the best option.

Knowing how to respond to something like this requires wisdom and maturity beyond your years. We wish we could tell you exactly what to do, but every adoption situation is too unique for that.

Instead, the purpose of this guide is to help you understand why your mom might be choosing adoption and give you a few practical tips for dealing with the situation.

What Type of Mom “Gives Her Baby Up” for Adoption?

One misconception people have about adoption is that only young, single mothers “give their babies up.” The truth is that women from all walks of life choose adoption in response to an unwanted pregnancy, including women who are already mothers.

You’re not alone. The situation you are in — when your mom is placing your younger sibling for adoption — happens to a lot of people. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. But, it may help to know that others have experienced the same thing. There’s often comfort in solidarity.

It’s also worth thinking about that phrase: “Give her baby up.”

It’s a common way of talking about adoption. But, it’s not really true. When your mom chooses adoption for your siblings, she’s not “giving up.” She’s doing something that she thinks will be best for your siblings, for you, and for herself. It’s a hard choice, and it’s a brave one, too.

Adoption comes from love. Realizing this may change the way you think about what your mom is doing. It’s not “giving up.” It’s putting others’ needs above her own in a way that is, honestly, heroic.

How You Can Help with the Adoption

Before we go any further, you need to understand this: It’s not your job to make the adoption successful or to make sure everything turns out okay.

There are many benefits to adoption, and the process can often result in a better future for your family, including your sibling. But, it is not your job to make it happen.

With that said, there are some things you can do to help your mom during the adoption process. If you feel up for it, you can do these things be a supportive presence and important voice during this journey:

Be Supportive: This isn’t easy for your mom. She’s putting her family ahead of herself when she chooses adoption. You might feel confused or angry, and it is totally within your rights to feel those things. If you can, try to stay supportive. Don’t take your anger out on your mom. You can choose to put her needs ahead of your own by offering support and encouragement.

Give Input: The mother of the baby is in charge of the adoption process. That means your mom will have a lot of decisions to make, including choosing the right adoptive parents for your sibling. If she is open to your input, you could help her make these life-changing decisions.

Advocate Openness: Open adoption is an ongoing relationship between the birth family and the adoptive family after placement. This means that you can have an ongoing connection to your sibling after they have been placed for adoption. Does that sound good to you? Express your support for open adoption early in the process.

Staying Connected After Adoption

The last point is worth exploring in greater detail. The majority of adoptions today — more than 90% — are at least semi-open. Research has shown that open adoption has lasting benefits for everyone involved. Many adoption agencies advocate for prospective birth parents to choose open adoption.

While it is ultimately your parents’ choice, you do have a voice in this. If you have a strong desire to stay connected with your sibling after placement, then it is your right to express that.

There are many different levels of openness, ranging from:

• Picture and letter updates
• Emails and texting
• Video calls
• In-person visits

When your mom creates her adoption plan, she gets to choose the level of post-adoption openness. If you would like a say in that, then you should start a conversation with her. Without making demands, try to express how important this relationship will be to you, and why a certain level of openness will be good for everyone.

Finding Help

The emotions of adoption are difficult to process. Plus, it’s not like this is a common experience with your friends and other people you know. You may not be able to find someone else who has gone through this. That’s why it is always a good idea to reach out to professional services like counseling.

If you have access to a counselor — maybe through your school or a local community center — don’t be afraid to talk with them. It’s not “weakness” to look for help. It takes strength to acknowledge difficult feelings and put in the work to process them in a healthy way.

Taking care of your own mental health may be the best thing you can do during this time. It puts you in a better position to support your mom and, ultimately, form a lasting connection with your siblings after their adoption.

There’s a lot to learn about adoption and how it affects adopted children. If you’d like to learn more about what life as an adoptee is like, you can take a look at our guides on adoptee life.

The post When Your Sibling is Being Placed for Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.