My Early Childhood and Entering Foster Care

I entered foster care when I was three and I was in foster care for almost two years, so my foster care time was short. I was lucky that I was only placed with one foster family (that I can remember) and they ultimately adopted me.

When I was in foster care, I was too young to really know what foster care and my situation meant. There were a couple of visits with my biological mother in which she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, “Yes, but then I want to go back home with my mom and dad.” I just didn’t know who my biological mother was to me.

As I talk about it, I definitely feel that adoption was easily the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing the problems that my biological family went through (drugs, mental illness, jail, etc.) I’m grateful that’s a life I did not have to experience.

Even with the support of my foster/adoptive family, my early childhood traumas affected me through the years. There are plenty of stories. I was in a behavioral institute when I was about age 12 to try to curb some of my issues. It got out of control to the point where I was in a group home by age 14 and spent a month in jail at age 18. This isn’t every kid’s foster or adoption story, but I have various experiences from different aspects of my life that tie into my foster care and adoption experience.

My Foster Family and My Adoption

Life was pretty normal: I went to school, came home, and I did kid stuff. I had toys and other foster kids to play with at home. At one point, there were four foster kids, my foster parent’s two biological kids, and my foster parents living together.

My foster parents didn’t treat me any differently than their own biological children. I had my issues but my foster parents never held it against me ­— they always treated me with the best care. I was sickly and behind my level of development, but my foster parents were great at attending to the needs of each of their individual kids.

After my eye surgery, my foster mother said that I looked so helpless that she felt like she wanted to adopt me and protect me. April 29, 1986, I was adopted by the family that fostered me, and I have this date tattooed on my arm because it is a part of me.

My Birth Family

I am not in contact with my birth family currently. When I was younger, I thought of all the things they could have done better, but now I don’t think about it.

My birth mother did a few important things right, like completing and providing a medical history to the best of her knowledge. But the best thing my biological mother did was sign the consent to terminate her parental rights.

I never knew my dad. He was out of the picture from day one — in jail or on the run from the law. I just didn’t know him.

My biological parents have passed away, two of my biological siblings didn’t want anything to do with me when I reached out, and my third sibling was really hard for me to deal with. My biological sister informed me of family things and answered my questions but in general, I wish my siblings would have been more receptive to getting to know me.

Placing My Child for Adoption

I was completely ambivalent when I found out I was going to be a father. I don’t know — at that moment I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t register yet. But later, when I was taking care of my daughter, I knew I was not meant to be a father.

Parenting and adoption were the only options the birth mother and I ever considered together. Abortion was never a part of our conversations. We were going to try to parent, but after some time it just wasn’t meant to be.

My own history was a factor in placing my daughter for adoption. It also raised a lot of conflict for me. Even though our situations were different and I knew she would have a good life, I was still afraid she would have the same anger and resentment that I had. I went through a lot of emotional trauma as a child, and I feared that my child would have some of the same feelings of being “given up.” I didn’t want my daughter to have to go through that. I didn’t want her to experience the anger that I had. I did not want her to be angry with me. I worried about placing her for adoption, but I knew what the right thing to do was.

My mom was very supportive of my attempt to parent my daughter, but she was like, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t be caring for this kid.” We all talked, and we all wanted my daughter to stay in the family. Luckily, she is still in my family because my sister adopted her. I knew she would be well taken care of — more so than me or her mother could have.

Choosing to Place My Child with a Family Member

My sister is awesome. I don’t know how she does it. She had three kids already when she adopted my daughter. Unfortunately, my sister ultimately got divorced and her ex-husband doesn’t care about any of the children. My daughter loves her adopted father, but he just doesn’t care. Realistically, I’m sure there were probably better choices for parents for my daughter, but hindsight is 20/20.

Do your research when choosing to place your kid with a family member. Being family will blind you because you feel a certain way about them, but that doesn’t mean that family is the best choice.

My daughter is now 14. I don’t know when my daughter was told that she’s adopted, but she knows that I’m her father and she has known for a good handful of years. My daughter and I don’t talk about her adoption. But she knows I’m her dad. If she wants to talk about it, then we can talk.

Looking Back

I am extremely pro-adoption. There are tons of kids in the world who can’t be properly cared for by their biological parents. I still think my daughter is in a good place — I don’t know if it’s the best place, again because we are family we were all a little blinded to the realities of placing a child within the family.

Looking back, I’m glad I was sound enough in mind to know that I wasn’t fit to be a father and that I then made the conscious decision to place her for adoption. But if I could change anything, I wouldn’t have been so agreeable with my mother about placement within the family just because we’re family. I should have done more research. I don’t think anything I could have said to my younger self would have made any difference, except to do more research on adoption instead of placing my daughter with my sister.

I am proud of being the sound-minded adult that I am, in comparison to the troublesome, immature, angry, wrong-decision-making, younger self. That was me until probably my mid-twenties. I had to work through all my emotional baggage and all that fun stuff.

I absolutely believe that my foster care and adoption experience influenced who I am today. I’ve had my share of problems stemming from the neglect and instability I experienced in my early years. But knowing what I know about my biological family, it could have been infinitely worse for me. If I wasn’t adopted, I would have been raised by sub-par parents and been around siblings with drug addictions and mental instability and that’s just not conducive to a healthy life. So being taken away from that at a young age and being put into a positive, supportive, loving family formed the person that I am now.

To kids in foster care:

Don’t be angry. There are other people in the world that want to care for you. Don’t let the fact that your biological parents “didn’t want you” or couldn’t take care of you affect your views on life.

To men facing an unplanned pregnancy:

Be a part of the process, no matter what it is. You hear a lot of stories about fathers who run out. Man-up and deal with the situation — whether it’s parenting, abortion, or adoption. You need to sit down with her and with your support system and weigh your options. And as always, do your research.

To birth families:

To my biological family I would say, “Thanks for making the right choice.” I would be a different man if I had grown up with them, and not for the better.

To adoptive families:

I am beyond grateful for my adoptive parents. I would be a completely different person without them. My parents and I talk about adoption all the time and it’s just the best thing that ever happened.

Learn more about foster care, and how to foster or adopt through foster care here.

Learn more about the potential pros and cons of kinship/relative adoptions here.

Learn more about the process of placing a child for adoption here.

The post Foster Care Adoptee to Birth Father: Matthew’s Story first appeared on Considering Adoption.

The ReMoved Film Series — and the Birth of an Anthology

Back in 2013, the Matanicks were in the midst of their own foster care journey — the journey to become foster parents. Along the way, they were inspired to share the voices of the kinds of children they were trying to help. Thus, “ReMoved” was born.
It’s a short film that focuses on a young girl, removed from her family and placed in foster care. The film flashes back and forth between her current placement at a home with a well-meaning foster parent and the trauma she experienced back at her biological mother’s house.

“There were so many people asking us, ‘Why would you be willing to become foster parents?’ The first film was kind of our answer to that,” Christina says. “Sure, it will be hard for us, but imagine what it will be like for that child.”
The Matanicks went on to make two more “ReMoved” films since then. Along the way, they received their first foster placement, who they officially adopted two years later.
Their film series began to draw traction, too. Soon, the Matanicks were receiving constant emails from those who have been affected by foster care, sharing their stories of heartbreak and thanking the filmmakers for expressing their experiences in such a realistic way.
It got the couple thinking: They shouldn’t be the only ones reading these stories. So, they put the ReMoved Anthology in motion.

Creating the Anthology — And Making Waves

The Matanicks put out a call, asking foster care youth for their honest stories. They received hundreds of submissions of art and writing, telling each person’s individual truth and experience.
But, to make the project a reality, they needed the funds. So, they created a Kickstarter to publish the book. More than 600 backers pledged more than $70,000 to help make “The Removed Anthology Project” a reality.
The Matanicks worked with artists worldwide to create the book, which was published in May 2019. Since then, it’s sold more than 3,500 copies, most one-by-one.
Each page contains a compelling story, but one of Christina’s favorite comes from a foster youth named Katie, who recalls the impact her social worker had during the toughest moments of her life:
My last social worker never gave up on me, even though I barely graduated high school. I remember her telling me, “You are more than just your story.” Because I knew I mattered to my social worker, I decided to go to community college… My social worker inspired me to be the caseworker I wanted when I was younger.
Reading Katie’s story, Christina says, “I think that’s profound, to say that you’re not just the sum of what happened to you… Who you are yourself is more than just what you’ve experienced.”
But the couple’s work doesn’t stop with this anthology. They’re continuing to develop more films, including a foster care documentary with Northwestern University about foster youth transitioning out of the system upon adulthood. The Matanicks also encourage foster care professionals, parents, and advocates to use their films for training and awareness. Christina urges individuals to assist their local foster care systems however they can — by becoming a foster parent or resource family, by donating to local organizations, or simply being a supportive figure to any parent or child struggling in your community.
“We’ve just been really inspired and amazed by people that have really gone through awful, awful things, but have overcome and chosen to give back and to make a difference and to try to help other kids… not be alone and know that there’s hope,” Christina says.
You can order “The Removed Anthology Project” online here.

The post The Story Behind the ReMoved Anthology Project first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Meredith Beer always knew that she was adopted — and she has always been proud of her story. When she introduced herself to her first grade class, she had to give a fun fact about herself. So, confidently (as 6 year-olds do), she stood up and said, “My name is Meredith Beer, and I’m adopted.”
As one of two adopted children in her parents’ household, adoption was always an open conversation. She remembers reading children’s books with adoption storylines and always having confidence in her adoption story. She was only 8 years old when she decided to find her birth parents — and promptly let her dad know.
“He went, ‘Well, let’s wait until you’re 16, because you’re a little young.’ I definitely didn’t forget that promise, so when I turned 16, I asked him again,” Beer remembers.
The search and reunion that would follow was a journey that would bring her more family and love than she ever thought. Now, at age 25, Beer looks back on her personal adoption story and what she hopes others can learn from her own experience.

Taking the First Step

Growing up, Beer was always proud of her adoption story. But, like many adopted children, she always had “what-ifs.” Her adoption was closed, and all she knew about her birth mother could fit in three sentences: Her first name was Vania; she had given birth in Reynoldsburg, Ohio; and she graduated high school at age 16 in 1992 — the same year Beer was born.

But Beer wanted more. She wanted to know how she came to be adopted but, more importantly, she had a desire to make sure her birth parents knew she was happy and healthy — that adoption had absolutely been the best choice, and she was forever grateful for their selfless decision.
Armed with the three facts about her birth mother, Beer and her dad set out to Reynoldsburg in 2008 to find the rest. After a disappointing lack of leads, Beer felt like giving up and waiting until she turned 18 to open her adoption records.
But her dad had another idea.
“He actually signed up for Classmates.com as an alumni of 1992 in Reynoldsburg, Ohio, and he paid $20 to get the full list of alumni,” Beer says. “It just so happens that Vania — which is the craziest coincidence that has ever happened to me — had signed up for Classmates.com a couple of months prior. He found her maiden name, Googled that, found her married name and found her Facebook. He called me on the way home from soccer practice and asked, ‘Are you going over to your friend’s house? Because I think you should come home, because I think I just found your birth mom on Facebook.’
“I don’t think I’ve ever driven so fast in my life,” Beer says.
Looking at her birth mother’s Facebook photo, for the first time in her life, Beer was seeing someone who looked like her. She sent a message to Vania explaining the situation, making sure to emphasize her happiness and gratitude for her birth mother’s choice, and waited for a response. It came back three days later.
“Her response was more than I ever could have imagined,” she remembers. It read, “Wow, what a surprise. I wondered if and when this day would ever happen. I am your birth mother. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, so I’m just going to leave it to you to ask.”

Connecting with her Birth Parents

From there, Beer and her birth mother began messaging back and forth (Vania would end up asking for Beer’s mother’s phone number to make sure her parents were 100 percent comfortable with the contact). Beer found out she had three younger half siblings and was finally able to get answers to those questions which had been pressing on her for so long: Who was her birth father? What was her adoption story?
Less than five months after she first messaged Vania, Beer and her parents flew out to meet her.
“Being in front of her for the first time was probably the craziest thing that has ever happened — I couldn’t even talk,” Beer remembers. “I was just staring at her during lunch, which was probably super awkward, but I had never seen anyone who looked like me before. Even just watching her was weird to see; we have the same mannerisms…That in and of itself blew my mind.”

She learned from Vania that the adoption had not been a mutual agreement — her birth father, Tommy, had proposed to Vania with the intent of raising the child together — and the two had not been in contact for many years. Beer wouldn’t receive her birth father’s contact information for a couple more weeks, after Vania had become more comfortable with the idea. After Beer contacted her birth father, he traveled to her hometown to meet her.
Despite their difficult history, Vania and Tommy eventually saw each other again at Beer’s high school graduation — a monumental moment in Beer’s life.
“It was the first time I had ever had a picture with two people who looked like me,” she says.

Looking Back — and Moving Forward

Today, Beer has a close relationship with Vania, who she describes as like a “super-close aunt.” They talk almost every other day, and Beer is thankful for the support her birth mother gives her.
Despite the closed nature of her adoption, Beer thinks it worked out for the best, especially now that she’s in contact with her birth parents at an older age. The support of her parents throughout her entire life — from their positive explanations of her adoption to their assistance finding her birth parents — also plays an instrumental role.
Recently, she’s begun reaching out to other prospective birth and adoptive parents to share her story and help them feel more comfortable deciding on adoption — as a way to help them experience the same kind of positive adoption process she had.

“My biggest goal is to just shed a better light on adoption and that adoption is a great thing,” she says. “While adoption can be scary, and it can go wrong, so can a lot of other things in life. It is like anything else in your life that can go wrong. To be scared of it and back out just because you’re scared of what could happen is silly because you have this chance.”
For birth mothers, Beer says, that chance is to give a child a better life and hopeful parents a chance at a child they could never have. For adoptive parents, it’s raising a child with all the best opportunities in life. Whatever challenges come along the way, like her own emotional journey to finding her birth parents, will be all worth it in the end, she says.
“As long as you raise the child to be confident in their story, I don’t really see anything going wrong in that.”

The post How This Adoptee Found Her Birth Parents — and a New System of Support first appeared on Considering Adoption.