My Early Childhood and Entering Foster Care

I entered foster care when I was three and I was in foster care for almost two years, so my foster care time was short. I was lucky that I was only placed with one foster family (that I can remember) and they ultimately adopted me.

When I was in foster care, I was too young to really know what foster care and my situation meant. There were a couple of visits with my biological mother in which she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, “Yes, but then I want to go back home with my mom and dad.” I just didn’t know who my biological mother was to me.

As I talk about it, I definitely feel that adoption was easily the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing the problems that my biological family went through (drugs, mental illness, jail, etc.) I’m grateful that’s a life I did not have to experience.

Even with the support of my foster/adoptive family, my early childhood traumas affected me through the years. There are plenty of stories. I was in a behavioral institute when I was about age 12 to try to curb some of my issues. It got out of control to the point where I was in a group home by age 14 and spent a month in jail at age 18. This isn’t every kid’s foster or adoption story, but I have various experiences from different aspects of my life that tie into my foster care and adoption experience.

My Foster Family and My Adoption

Life was pretty normal: I went to school, came home, and I did kid stuff. I had toys and other foster kids to play with at home. At one point, there were four foster kids, my foster parent’s two biological kids, and my foster parents living together.

My foster parents didn’t treat me any differently than their own biological children. I had my issues but my foster parents never held it against me ­— they always treated me with the best care. I was sickly and behind my level of development, but my foster parents were great at attending to the needs of each of their individual kids.

After my eye surgery, my foster mother said that I looked so helpless that she felt like she wanted to adopt me and protect me. April 29, 1986, I was adopted by the family that fostered me, and I have this date tattooed on my arm because it is a part of me.

My Birth Family

I am not in contact with my birth family currently. When I was younger, I thought of all the things they could have done better, but now I don’t think about it.

My birth mother did a few important things right, like completing and providing a medical history to the best of her knowledge. But the best thing my biological mother did was sign the consent to terminate her parental rights.

I never knew my dad. He was out of the picture from day one — in jail or on the run from the law. I just didn’t know him.

My biological parents have passed away, two of my biological siblings didn’t want anything to do with me when I reached out, and my third sibling was really hard for me to deal with. My biological sister informed me of family things and answered my questions but in general, I wish my siblings would have been more receptive to getting to know me.

Placing My Child for Adoption

I was completely ambivalent when I found out I was going to be a father. I don’t know — at that moment I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t register yet. But later, when I was taking care of my daughter, I knew I was not meant to be a father.

Parenting and adoption were the only options the birth mother and I ever considered together. Abortion was never a part of our conversations. We were going to try to parent, but after some time it just wasn’t meant to be.

My own history was a factor in placing my daughter for adoption. It also raised a lot of conflict for me. Even though our situations were different and I knew she would have a good life, I was still afraid she would have the same anger and resentment that I had. I went through a lot of emotional trauma as a child, and I feared that my child would have some of the same feelings of being “given up.” I didn’t want my daughter to have to go through that. I didn’t want her to experience the anger that I had. I did not want her to be angry with me. I worried about placing her for adoption, but I knew what the right thing to do was.

My mom was very supportive of my attempt to parent my daughter, but she was like, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t be caring for this kid.” We all talked, and we all wanted my daughter to stay in the family. Luckily, she is still in my family because my sister adopted her. I knew she would be well taken care of — more so than me or her mother could have.

Choosing to Place My Child with a Family Member

My sister is awesome. I don’t know how she does it. She had three kids already when she adopted my daughter. Unfortunately, my sister ultimately got divorced and her ex-husband doesn’t care about any of the children. My daughter loves her adopted father, but he just doesn’t care. Realistically, I’m sure there were probably better choices for parents for my daughter, but hindsight is 20/20.

Do your research when choosing to place your kid with a family member. Being family will blind you because you feel a certain way about them, but that doesn’t mean that family is the best choice.

My daughter is now 14. I don’t know when my daughter was told that she’s adopted, but she knows that I’m her father and she has known for a good handful of years. My daughter and I don’t talk about her adoption. But she knows I’m her dad. If she wants to talk about it, then we can talk.

Looking Back

I am extremely pro-adoption. There are tons of kids in the world who can’t be properly cared for by their biological parents. I still think my daughter is in a good place — I don’t know if it’s the best place, again because we are family we were all a little blinded to the realities of placing a child within the family.

Looking back, I’m glad I was sound enough in mind to know that I wasn’t fit to be a father and that I then made the conscious decision to place her for adoption. But if I could change anything, I wouldn’t have been so agreeable with my mother about placement within the family just because we’re family. I should have done more research. I don’t think anything I could have said to my younger self would have made any difference, except to do more research on adoption instead of placing my daughter with my sister.

I am proud of being the sound-minded adult that I am, in comparison to the troublesome, immature, angry, wrong-decision-making, younger self. That was me until probably my mid-twenties. I had to work through all my emotional baggage and all that fun stuff.

I absolutely believe that my foster care and adoption experience influenced who I am today. I’ve had my share of problems stemming from the neglect and instability I experienced in my early years. But knowing what I know about my biological family, it could have been infinitely worse for me. If I wasn’t adopted, I would have been raised by sub-par parents and been around siblings with drug addictions and mental instability and that’s just not conducive to a healthy life. So being taken away from that at a young age and being put into a positive, supportive, loving family formed the person that I am now.

To kids in foster care:

Don’t be angry. There are other people in the world that want to care for you. Don’t let the fact that your biological parents “didn’t want you” or couldn’t take care of you affect your views on life.

To men facing an unplanned pregnancy:

Be a part of the process, no matter what it is. You hear a lot of stories about fathers who run out. Man-up and deal with the situation — whether it’s parenting, abortion, or adoption. You need to sit down with her and with your support system and weigh your options. And as always, do your research.

To birth families:

To my biological family I would say, “Thanks for making the right choice.” I would be a different man if I had grown up with them, and not for the better.

To adoptive families:

I am beyond grateful for my adoptive parents. I would be a completely different person without them. My parents and I talk about adoption all the time and it’s just the best thing that ever happened.

Learn more about foster care, and how to foster or adopt through foster care here.

Learn more about the potential pros and cons of kinship/relative adoptions here.

Learn more about the process of placing a child for adoption here.

The post Foster Care Adoptee to Birth Father: Matthew’s Story first appeared on Considering Adoption.

This time, it’s all about the child at the center of the adoption or foster care journey.

National Adoption Month’s theme this year is “Engage Youth: Listen and Learn.” The campaign aims to amplify the voices of youth in foster care — giving them the chance to share their stories and thoughts — as an avenue for improving child welfare and adoption systems in the U.S.

“Youth have ideas about what they want and need for their life and likely have questions and concerns they must discuss in order to move forward with permanency planning,” Jerry Milner, associate commissioner at the Children’s Bureau, says. “As you pursue permanency for older youth, it’s vital that each young person is able to inform the process and make decisions about their life.

“Consider ways you and your agency can create a culture in which youth partner with professionals not only in permanency planning but also in educating prospective adoptive families and community members and informing child welfare practices and policies.”

The Children’s Bureau offers a wealth of information on how you can engage the current and former foster care youth in your life. Check it out, as well as our tips below on how to help your foster child’s voice be heard in their own permanency planning process.

1. Foster trust and honesty with the foster child.

Before a child can share their personal journey, they have to feel safe doing so. And that means trusting you.

It can take a while for a foster child to open up when placed with a new family. Be open and honest with your foster child from the moment they enter your home; keep your promises, and support them through the hard times. Give them the time to feel comfortable in your home, and be patient if it takes longer than planned.

When your foster child begins to trust you, they’ll often naturally open up to you with personal thoughts and feelings.

2. Encourage creativity in telling their story.

Not all children want to talk about their story in person — but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to share it. Empower them to explore their thoughts and emotions however they feel most comfortable.

Some options:

• Diary and journal entries
• Stories
• Poems
• Drawings
• Music
• Videos

Show that there’s an interest for their stories with other work from foster children. Give them the chance to read through and watch the narratives from the Children’s Bureau, and encourage them to express their own thoughts as inspiration comes to them.

3. Make their permanency plan a constant conversation.

Permanency plans are constantly changing and evolving. Conversations surrounding them shouldn’t just be “one and done.”

Make conversations about their birth parents and/or permanency plan a regular occurrence. Your child’s feelings will change over time; check in with them often to see what they’re thinking and what they want in their own permanency plan.

Always gauge your foster child’s interest first. Not all will be interested in talking about these intimate details, and some may even be triggered by trauma from their past.

Give your foster child time to change their mind. Don’t accept a “final answer” on permanency when so many factors are constantly changing in their life. Your foster child should have the space to evaluate their feelings and consider all their options.

If a foster child shows interest in their birth parents or permanency plan, welcome that conversation and see where it leads. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier with time. Showing interest in a foster child’s thoughts and opinions will empower them to speak up to their caseworker when it matters most.

4. Recognize how important their voices are.

Your foster child has probably spent the majority of their time in care being shepherded from one home to another, with little to no advocacy in their own placements. Along the way, adults and caseworkers often unintentionally exclude foster children from these important conversations to “protect” them from the tougher aspects of the journey.

But it’s important to remember that these children are living these challenges. They are the experts of their own lives and should be treated as such.

If you’re a foster parent, make an active effort to include your foster child in these discussions, as much as possible. Ask for their opinion and listen to what they have to say. Make sure your conversations are age-appropriate, but don’t fall into the trap of prioritizing your own opinions because you’re the adult. Remember that your decisions and suggestions will have a lifelong impact on the child in your home. They can’t be made in a void.

5. Be the foster child’s advocate.

Because of the trauma associated with caseworkers and other officials in the foster care system, it can be hard for a foster child to speak up and make their voice heard. That’s where you, as a foster parent, must step in.

As you earn the trust of your foster child, they will likely share some intimate thoughts and opinions with you. However, they may be too shy or scared to do the same with their caseworker. Take notes of your foster child’s preferences for their permanency plan, and communicate those to the caseworker when the child cannot.

You may have differing opinions on what you think is best for your foster child, but you owe it to them to make their voice heard and acknowledged. Their permanency plan will change the rest of their life; shouldn’t they have a say in it?

For more suggestions on empowering the foster youth in your life, check out these resources from the Children’s Bureau.

The post National Adoption Month: Engaging the Foster Youth in Your Life first appeared on Considering Adoption.

In addition to the excitement you’re feeling, you’re probably also nervous and anxious. It’s tough to know when you’re really “ready” to be a foster parent; it’s one of those things you can’t ever know until you try.

So, what can you do now to prepare yourself for this little one about to come into your home?

We’ve got a few tips for you:

1. Ask LOTS of questions.

When your caseworker presents a possible placement to your family, you will likely get the basics: trauma history, reasons for foster home move, biological parents’ situation. But there will be a lot more to know if you want to create a safe and welcoming home for this child.

Busy caseworkers do their best, but sometimes details slip their minds in the many calls they make to current and prospective foster parents. Make their job easier by having an extensive list of questions ready to go when you call your caseworker for more information.

Here are just a few questions to help you get to better know your foster child — and to better prepare yourself for what to expect:

Child Background:

• What is the age and gender of the child(ren)?
• What is the child’s legal status and permanency plan?
• Will this be a long-term or short-term placement?
• Have any kinship options been attempted?
• What county is the child from?
• What is the visitation schedule with the biological parents? Who is responsible for transportation for these visits?
• What can you tell me about the circumstances of the child’s removal?
• Does the child display any behaviors that might affect my safety/the safety of other children in my home?
• How long has the child been in care? How many placements have they had in that time, and why are you looking for a new placement now?
• Does the child have siblings, either in foster care or in the custody of the biological parents?
• What can you share about the child’s family background? Are there any safety concerns I should be aware of?

Medical Needs

• What future medical appointments does the child have?
• What over-the-counter and prescription medication is the child taking?
• Does the child have any allergies?
• What can you share about the child’s health and medical history?
• Does the child have any mental health diagnosis or needs?
• Did the child have any prenatal substance exposure?

Milestones/Preferences

• Is the child in school or daycare? Does the child have an individualized education program (IEP)?
• Is the child potty-trained? If not, what’s the progress so far? What size diapers do they wear?
• What kind of food does the child like and dislike? (For infants: What kind of formula is the child drinking?)
• What other likes/dislikes does the child have?
• What is the child’s current screen-time schedule?
• What detergent do they use in the current foster home? (To provide familiar-smelling linens)
• What is the child bringing with them to my house?

Finally, don’t forget to ask one important question: “Can we reach out to the current foster home as a resource during the adjustment period?” A former foster home will often have more information and insight into a child than what a caseworker has on file.

2. Develop a childcare plan, if necessary.

If you (and your spouse, if applicable) work full-time, you’ll need to create a childcare plan for your work hours. Most childcare providers may not be able to provide the kind of specialized care and understanding a child with trauma needs. Start your research early, and ask your caseworker for any recommendations, especially if the child is already attending daycare in the area.

Keep the child’s personal situation in mind, too. For example, many preschools will not accept children who are still in diapers. If your foster child is struggling with potty-training, you’ll need to locate a provider who will work with the child’s needs and support the training process.

If you haven’t already, reach out to your HR department about their new-parent policies — and whether they apply to foster care. Will your office provide any paid time off for bonding when you receive a new placement?

3. Childproof, if needed.

If you’ve opened your house to older toddlers (ages 3 and up), childproofing your house may not have even crossed your mind. But, it’s important to remember that many foster children are developmentally delayed, due to trauma experienced before and during foster placements. They may not have been taught safety rules around the house, so always take the steps to lock up all dangerous items (alcohol, medication, weapons, kitchen knives, etc.)

If you’ve prepared your house for a younger child, your baby-proofing system may no longer work for the child coming into your home now. Ask the child’s caseworker about any particular concerns, and do some research to determine the most age-appropriate proofing for your situation.

4. Be prepared for behaviors to present differently.

Trauma is a difficult beast, and it manifests differently in each child — and differently as a child grows up. Your caseworker will prepare you for certain trauma-related behaviors, but the child may act completely different upon placement in your home.

Any move is hard on a child, let alone a move without the stability of biological parents. Be prepared for an adjustment period, and try not to panic if a child expresses behaviors you weren’t warned about.

Remember that it’s your job as a foster parent to help a child overcome this trauma. Seeing these behaviors will help you identify the best way to treat them. When in doubt, always reach out to your caseworker for support.

5. Remember to take a deep breath — you’re going to be great.

The first foster placement is nerve-wracking in many ways. It’s normal to feel stressed and worried at this point. Rest assured that you’ll have plenty of teachable moments in the days, weeks and months ahead. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad foster parent, as long as you learn from them and adjust your behavior to what’s best for the child in your home.

Rules and boundaries are important during this early stage, but also give yourself and the child grace as you get to know each other. This child may have moved from home to home throughout their life; it will take some time to learn your house rules and expectations. Don’t take any outbursts or disobedience personally; instead, recognize the ways you can make this adjustment easier for your foster child.

At the end of the day, what’s important is loving this foster child. Let this child know they are safe in your home, and give them the support and care they need to thrive. Good luck!

The post 5 Tips to Prepare for Your First Foster Placement first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Why a Child Might Miss Their Foster Family

There are neurological, emotional and practical reasons a child may miss their former foster family. 
Let’s start with the most simple: The foster family provided a wonderful season of life for them. There are many amazing foster parents, and your child may remember their time in one or more of their foster homes with great fondness. This is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s great.
Missing a family for this reason may be easier for your child to understand and for you to explain. There are also more complex reasons that may be confusing for everyone, even your child, to fully comprehend. 
Did you know that more than 100 billion neural pathways form in a newborn’s brain in the first few months of life? These are significantly impacted by outside sources, such as a stable caregiver. When moving between multiple caregivers early in life disrupts this process, a child’s brain struggles to understand what is happening. In turn, they develop complicated attachments to each caregiver. 
This could explain the moments that cause your child to miss their foster family in a way that even they cannot fully explain. It should also, hopefully, give you a basis for extreme empathy. We’re talking about a delicate and complex situation. A healthy response has to be full of love, grace and understanding.

How You Can Respond to Your Child Missing Their Foster Family

Now that you know a few reasons why they might miss their foster family, how can you respond to your child and meet their needs? Every situation deserves a unique response, and we have come up with several strategies we hope you will find useful.

1. Prepare Through Research and Study

If you have read this far, you’re already taking the first step. The worst way to approach this situation is flying blind. There are education materials and online courses you can take to learn more about the impacts of foster care and the complex brain chemistry of children who experience early-childhood attachment challenges. 

2. See the Need, Meet the Need

How is your child expressing their feelings? Does it make you flustered or even angry? Kids aren’t always great at sharing what they feel in a gracious way. It can come across as whining, throwing a fit or being moody. 
A healthy response to complex feelings expressed in less-than-ideal ways is looking past the emotions and seeing the deeper need. It may seem like your child is throwing a fit, but they’re actually a 6-year-old trying their best to express something very confusing. If you can take a breath, see the need and respond to the underlying issue instead of the behavior, you can begin to work toward true healing.

3. Help Your Child Express Their Emotions

There are practical steps you can take to help your child express and process their feelings as you see, and meet, their needs. 
Breathing exercises are important in heated moments, because processing complex feelings becomes much more difficult when emotions are running high. Additionally, physical activity is a great way to work out frustrations. 
If your child is in touch with their creative side, you could encourage them to draw their feelings. This is a common practice used in therapy that you may find very helpful. Older children could also write letters as a way of processing what they feel.

4. Practice Patience

You’re not going to resolve deep-seated attachment challenges in one conversation, one week or even one year. This is a process. When you’re a parent, you’ve made a commitment to be in it for the long haul. 
Today might be a hard day. It might be a day with no progress at all. Some days are for putting out fires. If that’s all you can do at this time, that’s okay. Growth will come, but it will take time.

5. Be Proactive

Don’t wait to play defense. What can you do to create new memories and strengthen the relationship between yourself and your child? 
There will still be frustrating outburst and moments of confusion in healthy relationships. You aren’t proactive to eliminate these difficulties completely. Rather, strengthening your relationship creates a safe space to work through the hard emotions together. You’re setting the foundation for those challenging times by taking full advantage of the good ones.

6. Seek Out Professional Guidance

Most of us can’t do this on our own. Are you still connected to your adoption caseworker? Do you have a local social worker with your child welfare service that you could speak with? 
Family counselors, online research materials and more can be incredibly helpful as you work with your child to process their feelings. Seeking out professional help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
The complex emotions that come with missing a former foster family may be a real challenge for your family, but you can reach a place of health and security with your child.

The post What to Do When Your Child Misses Their Former Foster Family first appeared on Considering Adoption.

How You Can Support Foster and Biological Parents

Even if you decide that fostering isn’t for you, there are still tons of ways that you can help the foster care community. National Foster Care Adoption Month is all about getting involved, so here are a few ways that you can get started today while supporting reunification:

1. Donate Supplies and Money

Most children arrive in foster care with little to call their own. While foster parents can receive an adoption subsidy and financial assistance to help cover some of the costs of a child’s needs, it never hurts to reach out and offer what you can. Some of the most essential items are school supplies, clothing, suitcases and duffle bags, and gifts during the holidays. In case you don’t have any gently used items, you can always give monetary donations.
No matter how you choose to help, your gift will always be appreciated. Reach out to your local foster care organization to determine what’s on the foster care “wish list.”

2. Serve as a Respite Caretaker

Sometimes, all a foster parent or a biological parent needs is a short break. As a respite care giver, you can offer short-term care to a foster youth. This way, you can provide the necessary safety net a family needs to get right back on their feet.
To learn more about respite care programs, check out the Children’s Bureau.

3. Volunteer

Even if you choose not to become a foster parent, there are still other ways you can help — namely, by donating your time.
Foster care agencies across the country are always looking for helpful volunteers. The possibilities are endless: you could become a mentor for older children; participate in work programs and events; start a fundraiser, and so much more.
No matter how you choose to donate your time, it all makes a difference. If that sounds like that what you’re looking for, contact your local foster care agency today to find out how you can help.

4. Become a CASA/GAL Volunteer

As a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) or a Guardian and Litem (GAL), you could provide a source of stability in a child’s life. This  volunteer speaks on behalf of a child in foster care. Based on their personal relationship with a foster child, a CASA can make recommendations in the best interests of the child to the judge.

5. Become an Advocate

There are a number of tools that you can use to advocate for the needs of children in foster care. Raising awareness is a great first step to getting involved. Spread the word in your community about the state of foster care and what needs to be done to help these vulnerable children.

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If you have any other questions about getting involved during National Foster Care Adoption Month, don’t be afraid to reach out to your local foster care agency!
Do you have any plans for celebrating National Foster Care Adoption Month? Let us know in the comments!

The post 5 Ways that You Can Support Your Foster Care Community first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Promoting Positive Relationships Between Nontraditional Siblings

In honor of National Siblings Day, we want to honor the unique relationship between foster children and children who are permanently living in a home. It can be a beautiful relationship — but it doesn’t always come without its challenges.

Looking for help? Here are some ways to help the children in your home — whether foster children or permanent children — establish bonds with each other:

Prepare Them Ahead of Time

Ideally, you’ll have time to get your children ready to welcome a new foster sibling into the home. It can take some kids a while to adjust to the idea and to feel ready to be a sibling to someone new. 

Sometimes time isn’t a luxury you have, especially in sudden kinship or emergency placements. However, whenever possible, take plenty of time to talk with your children about bringing a new child into your home — guage their feelings on the matter, read books about foster care together and talk about what life might be like for your family.

If you can, talk to your future foster child about your children, too. Give them an understanding of your family dynamics, so they know what to expect and where they’ll fit as a new sibling. 

Being a sibling is exciting and it’s also a big responsibility! Express this to your children, and help them prepare.

Spend Parent Time With Each Child Separately

No child wants to feel as if they have to compete with their siblings for their parents’ attention. Remind them that there are no “favorites.” 

Make sure you regularly spend some undivided one-on-one time with each of your children doing the things that they like to do. You’ll probably need to get out of the house to make sure that you have some time to yourselves for a bit. Talk to them about their day, and make sure you do most of the listening!

Set aside an afternoon for a special activity with each of your children, and make sure they feel equally loved and heard. The invisible lines between “permanent” and “temporary” children will feel so much less important. This is a perfect opportunity to remind each of your children that you love them and that they are unique in your eyes.

Work as a Team

Your entire family unit is a team, existing in the world. Within every family are smaller teams — help your children strengthen their Sibling Team by giving them opportunities to help each other and succeed.

When you’re cleaning up after mealtimes, give each of your children an assigned job that helps you get the task completed. One child can rinse dishes, another can dry, and another can put the dishes away. Apply it to helping out with laundry, groceries or other simple household tasks.

But it doesn’t have to only work with chores! When you play games together, let the kids play against the parents. Start lighthearted family competitions that pair the kids together, so that they can create together, make some inside jokes and have fun collaborating. 

Never Take Sides

All siblings argue, but when disputes arise between foster children and children who are living permanently in your home, things can be additionally tense. Even if the matter seems small, never make assumptions when one child makes allegations against another.

You already know and trust the children you’ve been raising, so be cautious not to automatically side with them. This can inadvertently give the signal that you’ll always side with “your” children, and that your foster child is still not a fully fledged sibling.

Instead of taking sides, try to discourage the arguments altogether rather than punishing the wrongdoer (whether perceived or actual). Try to help your children talk through the feelings within the argument rather than trying to get to the bottom of “who did what.”

Bring Out Their Nurturing Selves

Kids, just like adults, have an instinct for caretaking. Whether it’s a doll, a garden, pet or a baby sibling, children can be surprisingly nurturing when given opportunity, responsibility and encouragement. 

Find ways to encourage your children to take care of one another. Even little siblings can find ways to help the older children — they can use their unique talents and strengths to help their siblings. Give out a little responsibility where you feel is appropriate. 

For big siblings: “Hold your little sister’s hand and help her cross the street on the way to the park, then help her climb up with you on the equipment.” 

For little siblings: “Help your big brother apply glue for his school project.” 

Instead of helping your children every time they ask for your assistance, encourage them to help and care for one another when possible. Whether it’s pouring a cup of milk for their sibling or sharing a favorite toy, small acts of care can mean a lot.

If you’re having trouble blending your foster children with the children who have been living in your home, reach out to your social worker for advice. It’s always best to work through small issues before larger sibling disputes arise.

The post How to Help Permanent and Foster Kids Build Relationships first appeared on Considering Adoption.

For most families, biological parent visits are the hardest parts of foster parenting. Handling last-minute changes and navigating the emotional ups and downs will be a lesson in patience. While they can be a fun and joyful experience, it may take some work to get there.

If you’ve been wondering how to prepare your family, we’ve answered a few of the most common questions that foster parents have about biological parent visits. Don’t forget to reach out to your caseworker for personalized answers to these questions.

1. How Do I Schedule a Visit with My Foster Child’s Parents?

Visitation is one of the most important steps towards reunification with a foster child’s biological parents. These visits help maintain strong parent-child connections, and they’re the key to making foster children feel safe in their new home.

There are two ways to schedule a visit with your child’s biological parents: through your caseworker or by reaching out personally. Your first family visits will usually begin as an hour-long weekly session. But, as the case continues, birth parents can earn more contact with their children.

If you have any questions about scheduling visits with the biological parents, don’t forget that you can always reach out to your caseworker for help.

2. What Should I Do if My Child’s Biological Parents Can’t Make it?

It can be heartbreaking to watch your foster child realize that their birth parents won’t make it to their visit. While it can hurt you just as much, don’t take that frustration out on their parents.

Remind your foster child that changing plans are a part of life. It doesn’t mean that their parents don’t love them or that they’re not a priority. No matter what happens or how busy their parents are, let your foster child know that their biological parents are always thinking of them.

In the meantime, there are a few ways that you can comfort your foster child when their parent doesn’t make a scheduled visit:

• Let them know that you can always reschedule their visit for another time.
• Find an alternative activity or event that they’ve always wanted to do.
• If plans are cancelled frequently, ask your social worker about introducing a confirmation procedure.

Sometimes, life gets in the way of even the best-made plans. Remember that we teach people how to treat us, so encourage forgiveness and flexibility in your foster child.

If the biological parent continues to be late or cancel plans, don’t be afraid to advocate on behalf of your foster child. You can always talk to your caseworker for support if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or reach out to other foster parents for advice. Sometimes the best people to talk to are those who have already lived through it, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.

3. What if We Can’t Nail Down a Time for Visits?

Frequent unavailability can be just as frustrating as cancelled plans. If it’s taken days or weeks to pin down a time with your foster child’s parents, you might feel like you’re grasping at straws. But, try to stay positive. Just because scheduling visits can be difficult doesn’t mean that they won’t happen.

When it comes to scheduling drama, here are a few tips to remember:

• Try to be understanding of the biological parent’s changing schedule. They could be having problems at work, home or both.
• You can be flexible and firm at the same time. While it’s inevitable that plans will change, remind them how important it is to try and stick to a schedule. If you’re still having issues, you can always ask your caseworker to help mediate.
• If they can’t meet you in-person, suggest other methods of maintaining contact (such as Skype or a phone call) in the meantime.

4. How Can I Keep My Foster Children Safe?

As a foster parent, you want to keep your foster child safe from any and all harm. But what if that harm potentially comes from the biological family?

If your child’s biological parents are dealing with difficult issues (such as medical issues or substance abuse), you’re probably feeling queasy thinking about upcoming visits. Of course, you want your foster child to spend as much time as possible with their biological relatives. But is exposing them to a difficult circumstance really the best idea? And if so, how will you explain their situation to your foster child?

If this sounds familiar, here are a few of our suggestions:

• Be honest with your foster child, but don’t feel pressured to share all the details.
• Don’t be afraid to take a break from the biological parents until they’re in a safer situation.
• Plan ahead for any questions your foster child may have about their biological parent’s life.

5. How Can I Stay Positive During Biological Parent Visits?

Saying goodbye to a child you’ve come to love like one of your own is a foster parent’s hardest task. Logically, you know that they won’t be with you forever. But feelings aren’t like a light switch — you can’t just turn them off.

When you know termination of parental rights is coming up, it can be hard to take a step back. We can understand what you’re going through, especially if you’ve thought about the possibility of adoption at some point.

It’s important to remember why biological parent visits are pivotal to a foster child’s well-being. These are just a few things to keep in mind:

• Visits with biological parents will ease your child’s separation fears.
• The scheduled visits will motivate biological parents to work toward their reunification plans.
• Biological parent visits will reinforce parent-child attachment.

We know that it’s hard, but supporting biological parent visits will make a huge difference. Doing so will make life much easier for you and for your foster child. The more you show how much you support their reunification goals, the easier the visit will go.

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Navigating biological parent visits in foster care can be complicated. But, there are many ways to cope with late-minute changes and disappointment. Remember that this is just as frustrating for your foster child as it is for you, so keep reassuring them that everything will turn out okay.

If all else fails, don’t forget that you can always reach out to your social worker for support.

The post 5 Questions You Have About Biological Parent Visits in Foster Care first appeared on Considering Adoption.