The decision to choose adoption is a brave and selfless act that many women make for various reasons. But the decision will always be up to you. And we will always be here to help guide you toward making the best decision for yourself and your baby.

You can always contact us online to get more free adoption information now.

Top 5 Reasons Why Pregnant Women Are Considering Adoption

1. They want a loving and stable home for their baby

One of the most common reasons pregnant women consider adoption is because they want their child to grow up in a stable and loving home. Some may not be ready to parent, while others might not have the financial resources to provide for a child.

By placing your child for adoption, you can give your child the opportunity to grow up in a home with loving parents who are ready and able to provide for them. An adoption agency is committed to helping you make the best decision for yourself and your baby by providing necessary resources such as:

• 24/7 counseling and support
• Financial assistance for pregnancy and living expenses
• A wide variety of pre-screened adoptive families to choose from
• References to additional professionals
• Post-placement counseling and support

2. They want to give their baby the best life possible

Many birth parents considering adoption for their babies want to give them the best life. This could mean that they want their baby to have access to resources and opportunities they may not be able to provide themselves. By choosing adoption, you can find comfort in knowing that an adoptive family can provide your child with a secure future filled with endless opportunities.

National adoption agencies are the best to work with because they work across the country to help you find the right family for your baby. These agencies have a wide variety of families to choose from, allowing you to be as specific as you want about the type of family you’re looking for.

You can narrow down families based off of:

• Age
• Race
• Marital status
• Religious beliefs
• And more

Check out some waiting adoptive family profiles here.

3. They want to maintain a connection with their baby

Many birth mothers aren’t aware that most modern adoptions involve some form of contact with the adoptive family and child. When considering adoption, you can choose the level of openness in the process, from receiving letters and photos of your child to having a direct personal relationship with the adoptive parents.

Birth mother Cori grew to love the adoptive family she chose for her baby. She knew her baby was in good hands by getting to know them.

“They were so open and kind, and from the first exchanges we had, I knew that I picked out a wonderful family,” Cori said. “I know how wonderful his life is and will be. He will have a loving, secure home to rest his head in for the rest of his life. Every day, when I wake up, I know that he will be okay and he will spend his day in the arms of his loving parents.”

4. They want to regain control of their life

An unexpected pregnancy can make prospective birth mothers feel out of control. The adoption process allows you to take control of your situation in ways your other unplanned pregnancy options may not. When considering adoption for your baby, you’re in charge all the way through.

From choosing a family to deciding what you want your hospital stay to look like. When you work with an adoption agency, they’ll connect you with a birth parent specialist to help you create a personalized adoption plan. You’ll call all the shots while your adoption agency handles all the other aspects of your adoption. Every decision in the adoption process begins with you.

5. They want a better future for themselves and their baby

Many birth mothers consider adoption to create a brighter future for themselves and their children. Some have plans to further their education, advance their careers, and even get married. Raising a child would financially and practically delay many of these future plans.

Adoption lets you focus on pursuing your dreams while knowing your baby is in a loving and supportive household. Your child will have access to limitless opportunities with adoptive parents who have been preparing to welcome your baby into their home.

Although there are many common reasons birth mothers choose adoption, every situation is unique, and if you find yourself relating to any of these reasons, adoption could be the right choice for you. Are you ready to begin your adoption journey? Contact an adoption agency now to get more free adoption information.

The post Top 5 Reasons Why Pregnant Women Are Considering Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

However, there has been a massive increase in negative feedback, particularly on platforms like TikTok. We’re here to dive deeper into why there has been a rise in adoption conversations on social media. And we’ll also take a look at how much adoption has changed throughout the years.

If you have any questions, contact us online to get more free information now.

Social Media and Adoption Explained

Using social media for adoption has undoubtedly changed the way we communicate and connect with each other. It has also been a useful tool for adoptive families to connect with birth parents, adoption agencies, and other families who have gone through the adoption process.

However, social media has also exposed some of the negative aspects of adoption. Social media influencer adoption has become increasingly popular, with many people sharing their adoption journeys with their followers. While this can be a positive way to raise awareness, many adoptees have turned to social media to share their experiences with adoption.

In the past, there was a lot of stigma surrounding adoption, and many adoptions were conducted in a secretive manner. This made it more common for adoptive families to choose a closed adoption, leaving adoptees to wonder about their past.

Adopted Children and Social Media

Now that adoption has been a hot topic on social media platforms like TikTok, adoptees are finding ways to express themselves and how they feel about adoption. Since they’re adopted themselves, they want to educate others on what it feels like to be adopted.

Adoption and the use of social media have become more common among adoptees that have had negative experiences with adoption. They use the platform to voice their concerns about adoption, and some even push for adoption reform. Although these experiences are valid, it’s important to recognize the evolution of adoption and what it consists of now.

Open adoption has become much more common than it was in the past. This allows adoptees to have access to information about their birth parents and their original birth certificate. Although this can’t eliminate adoptees’ trauma, it can help adoptees understand their identity and origin.

Adoptee Diana was placed in an open adoption in 1991. She continues to advocate for open adoption contact as it helped her have a positive view of adoption.

“I credit the openheartedness of my birth and adoptive families as the reason why I have such positive feelings toward my adoption,” Diana said. “There are a lot of adoptees who struggle with a lack of information and history, and many are also struggling with racial or cultural identity. If you’re considering adoption, you must first consider the needs of every type of adoptee and make sure that you’re ready to meet those needs.”

Benefit of Modern Day Adoptions

Despite the challenges associated with social media and adoption, adoption has drastically changed from how it was in the past. It can provide a loving home and a bright future for children who may not have had these opportunities otherwise.

Many national adoption agencies put birth mothers in control of the process. They’ll get to decide if they want to maintain contact with their child, whether they want to hold their baby after birth and much more. Birth mothers will also get access to free, 24/7 emotional support and counseling to ensure they’re 100% sure of their decision.

For adoptees, they’ll get the chance to build and maintain a connection with their birth parents. National adoption agencies recognize the benefits of open adoption contact for adoptees, which is why these agencies only work with adoptive parents who are comfortable with open adoption contact.

As adoptees grow and ask more questions about their adoption, it’s helpful for birth and adoptive parents to have a positive relationship. The decision to pursue an open adoption is the birth mother’s choice, and while these agencies will never force a birth mother into contact they aren’t comfortable with, there’s education available about how beneficial post-placement contact can be for themselves and their child. Contact an adoption agency today for more free information.

The post What to Know About Social Media and Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Fortunately, if you were involved in a closed adoption, there are many genealogy websites out there that can help fill in the gaps in your adoption story. We’re here to explain how genealogy websites can help you learn more about your adoption story, along with some tips on how to begin your search.

You can always fill out this contact form if you have any questions about search and reunification. We’d be more than happy to help!

How Can Genealogy Websites Help With Search and Reunification?

For adoptees, genealogy websites and family trees are a helpful way for you to connect with family members and can help you understand where you came from. Through search and reunion, you can piece together your identity while having the opportunity to create a meaningful relationship.

When it comes to birth parents, you may have decided to pursue a closed adoption and changed your mind. In this case, you might take advantage of genealogy websites and family trees as an opportunity to find out who your child is and how they’re doing. Through modern technology, you’ll have the chance to reconnect with your child.

Birth mother DeAnn Link was involved in a closed adoption in 1996. She had searched everywhere to try and reconnect with her daughter, but had no luck. Through Ancestry.com, Link was able to submit her DNA, hoping to finally reunite with her daughter.

“I know she’s out there, and I know I’ll find her soon. The more I try, the more I put myself out there, the more she’ll be able to see it,” Link said. “I was so young when everything went on, and it’s been a missing piece in my heart since then.”

Are There Any Downsides to Using Genealogy Websites?

Although these websites can be good for those looking to reunite with family members, some birth parents choose a closed adoption for a reason. As hard as it can be on adoptees, many birth parents may not want to be found. The same can be true for adoptees.

When located through a DNA tracking service, many birth parents and adoptees have no say in how they’re found. This can be a violation of privacy and can potentially do more harm than good. It’s important to ask yourself if the benefits outweigh the negatives before you decide to use a DNA tracking site to locate a family member.

Tips on How to Use Genealogy Websites for Reunification

It’s important to think about all aspects of the adoption triad before you use genealogy websites for reunification. Here are some tips to help you as you begin your search:

1. Gather as much information as you can

If you’re an adoptee, try and involve your adoptive parents to get as much information as you can from them. They’ll be a helpful resource as they may remember some details about your birth parents. The more information you have, the easier it’ll be for you once you decide to start your search online.

For birth parents, try to remember as much information as you can about the adoption. This can help you as you begin the process of searching for your child through genealogy websites. From there, you can submit a DNA test and see if anything matches.

2. Be open-minded

As you’re thinking about using a genealogy website for reunification, try and be as open-minded as you can. Sometimes it can be hard when a situation doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Having an open mind can help relieve the disappointment you may feel if an adoption reunification doesn’t go the way you planned.

3. Be patient

It can take some time for DNA test results to come back, so it’s important to remain patient as you begin your search. This can help you if you find that it’s taking longer than usual for a DNA match to come back. Once you have completed your DNA sample, it will be put in a database and will be compared to other samples, which can take some time. To learn more about search and reunification with genealogy websites, fill out our contact form to get more information now.

The post How Genealogy Websites Impact Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

My Early Childhood and Entering Foster Care

I entered foster care when I was three and I was in foster care for almost two years, so my foster care time was short. I was lucky that I was only placed with one foster family (that I can remember) and they ultimately adopted me.

When I was in foster care, I was too young to really know what foster care and my situation meant. There were a couple of visits with my biological mother in which she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said, “Yes, but then I want to go back home with my mom and dad.” I just didn’t know who my biological mother was to me.

As I talk about it, I definitely feel that adoption was easily the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing the problems that my biological family went through (drugs, mental illness, jail, etc.) I’m grateful that’s a life I did not have to experience.

Even with the support of my foster/adoptive family, my early childhood traumas affected me through the years. There are plenty of stories. I was in a behavioral institute when I was about age 12 to try to curb some of my issues. It got out of control to the point where I was in a group home by age 14 and spent a month in jail at age 18. This isn’t every kid’s foster or adoption story, but I have various experiences from different aspects of my life that tie into my foster care and adoption experience.

My Foster Family and My Adoption

Life was pretty normal: I went to school, came home, and I did kid stuff. I had toys and other foster kids to play with at home. At one point, there were four foster kids, my foster parent’s two biological kids, and my foster parents living together.

My foster parents didn’t treat me any differently than their own biological children. I had my issues but my foster parents never held it against me ­— they always treated me with the best care. I was sickly and behind my level of development, but my foster parents were great at attending to the needs of each of their individual kids.

After my eye surgery, my foster mother said that I looked so helpless that she felt like she wanted to adopt me and protect me. April 29, 1986, I was adopted by the family that fostered me, and I have this date tattooed on my arm because it is a part of me.

My Birth Family

I am not in contact with my birth family currently. When I was younger, I thought of all the things they could have done better, but now I don’t think about it.

My birth mother did a few important things right, like completing and providing a medical history to the best of her knowledge. But the best thing my biological mother did was sign the consent to terminate her parental rights.

I never knew my dad. He was out of the picture from day one — in jail or on the run from the law. I just didn’t know him.

My biological parents have passed away, two of my biological siblings didn’t want anything to do with me when I reached out, and my third sibling was really hard for me to deal with. My biological sister informed me of family things and answered my questions but in general, I wish my siblings would have been more receptive to getting to know me.

Placing My Child for Adoption

I was completely ambivalent when I found out I was going to be a father. I don’t know — at that moment I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t register yet. But later, when I was taking care of my daughter, I knew I was not meant to be a father.

Parenting and adoption were the only options the birth mother and I ever considered together. Abortion was never a part of our conversations. We were going to try to parent, but after some time it just wasn’t meant to be.

My own history was a factor in placing my daughter for adoption. It also raised a lot of conflict for me. Even though our situations were different and I knew she would have a good life, I was still afraid she would have the same anger and resentment that I had. I went through a lot of emotional trauma as a child, and I feared that my child would have some of the same feelings of being “given up.” I didn’t want my daughter to have to go through that. I didn’t want her to experience the anger that I had. I did not want her to be angry with me. I worried about placing her for adoption, but I knew what the right thing to do was.

My mom was very supportive of my attempt to parent my daughter, but she was like, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t be caring for this kid.” We all talked, and we all wanted my daughter to stay in the family. Luckily, she is still in my family because my sister adopted her. I knew she would be well taken care of — more so than me or her mother could have.

Choosing to Place My Child with a Family Member

My sister is awesome. I don’t know how she does it. She had three kids already when she adopted my daughter. Unfortunately, my sister ultimately got divorced and her ex-husband doesn’t care about any of the children. My daughter loves her adopted father, but he just doesn’t care. Realistically, I’m sure there were probably better choices for parents for my daughter, but hindsight is 20/20.

Do your research when choosing to place your kid with a family member. Being family will blind you because you feel a certain way about them, but that doesn’t mean that family is the best choice.

My daughter is now 14. I don’t know when my daughter was told that she’s adopted, but she knows that I’m her father and she has known for a good handful of years. My daughter and I don’t talk about her adoption. But she knows I’m her dad. If she wants to talk about it, then we can talk.

Looking Back

I am extremely pro-adoption. There are tons of kids in the world who can’t be properly cared for by their biological parents. I still think my daughter is in a good place — I don’t know if it’s the best place, again because we are family we were all a little blinded to the realities of placing a child within the family.

Looking back, I’m glad I was sound enough in mind to know that I wasn’t fit to be a father and that I then made the conscious decision to place her for adoption. But if I could change anything, I wouldn’t have been so agreeable with my mother about placement within the family just because we’re family. I should have done more research. I don’t think anything I could have said to my younger self would have made any difference, except to do more research on adoption instead of placing my daughter with my sister.

I am proud of being the sound-minded adult that I am, in comparison to the troublesome, immature, angry, wrong-decision-making, younger self. That was me until probably my mid-twenties. I had to work through all my emotional baggage and all that fun stuff.

I absolutely believe that my foster care and adoption experience influenced who I am today. I’ve had my share of problems stemming from the neglect and instability I experienced in my early years. But knowing what I know about my biological family, it could have been infinitely worse for me. If I wasn’t adopted, I would have been raised by sub-par parents and been around siblings with drug addictions and mental instability and that’s just not conducive to a healthy life. So being taken away from that at a young age and being put into a positive, supportive, loving family formed the person that I am now.

To kids in foster care:

Don’t be angry. There are other people in the world that want to care for you. Don’t let the fact that your biological parents “didn’t want you” or couldn’t take care of you affect your views on life.

To men facing an unplanned pregnancy:

Be a part of the process, no matter what it is. You hear a lot of stories about fathers who run out. Man-up and deal with the situation — whether it’s parenting, abortion, or adoption. You need to sit down with her and with your support system and weigh your options. And as always, do your research.

To birth families:

To my biological family I would say, “Thanks for making the right choice.” I would be a different man if I had grown up with them, and not for the better.

To adoptive families:

I am beyond grateful for my adoptive parents. I would be a completely different person without them. My parents and I talk about adoption all the time and it’s just the best thing that ever happened.

Learn more about foster care, and how to foster or adopt through foster care here.

Learn more about the potential pros and cons of kinship/relative adoptions here.

Learn more about the process of placing a child for adoption here.

The post Foster Care Adoptee to Birth Father: Matthew’s Story first appeared on Considering Adoption.

It’s crucial that people are familiar with adoption-positive language and appropriate conversation topics. So, we’ve put together a three-part blog post to help you shape up your adoption discussions.

First, we’ll tackle some of the most commonly heard and commonly hated questions from adoptees — so you know exactly which ones to strike from your vernacular today.

1. “Where are you really from?”

Most often asked to transracial adoptees, this question is perhaps the most offensive. Just because a person of color is adopted doesn’t mean they’re from somewhere outside of the U.S. And, even if they are an international transracial adoptee, their personal story is no one’s business but their own.

2. “Who are your real parents?”

An adoptee’s “real” parents are their adoptive parents — the parents who raised and cared for them throughout their life. Family is much more than biological connection. Questions like this not only invalidate adoptive parents but all other non-biological guardians and family members who play a critical role in raising non-biological children in their lives.

And don’t just swap “real” with “biological” to ask this question anyway. As mentioned above, it’s solely the adoptee’s business.

3. “You look so much like/so different than your parents.”

Adoptees walk through the world with a different experience than biological children. They know they’re different, and they know they live in a world where biological connection is the default.

Whether or not an adoptee looks like their adopted parents isn’t important. Commenting on their physical similarities (either positive or negative) to their adoptive parents only reminds them that they don’t fit the unspoken “standard” of biological connection.

4. “Why didn’t your parents want you?”

Not only is this question rude, it assumes that all adoptees were abandoned by birth parents — when that’s nowhere near the truth.

Many people adopted at birth were placed by parents who made the active decision to choose adoption. These parents personally selected their children’s adoptive parents, made a post-placement plan and did what they did out of love.

Similarly, foster care placements don’t automatically equal a lack of compassion from birth parents. In most cases, those birth parents didn’t have the means to give their children what they wanted for them — no matter how many reunification attempts they made.

An adoptee is not “unwanted,” no matter their personal history.

5. “Is it because you’re adopted?”

While many adoptees struggle with issues of self-identity and latent trauma, don’t assume that every issue in their life stems from their adoption placement. Yes, it was a big moment in their life, but it doesn’t define them — just as one moment in your life doesn’t dictate all of your future decisions.

It’s a tricky tightrope to walk, but don’t assume a person’s struggles or personality is — or isn’t — a direct result of adoption. Let them make that personal connection, if they feel it’s right.

6. “You’re so lucky you were adopted.”

Adoption can be a beautiful thing — but it frequently also creates trauma for the adoptee and birth parent. Being placed for adoption is not a matter of “luck”; it’s a placement often made out of impossible circumstances (like financial difficulties, substance abuse issues, etc.).

Don’t forget that foster care adoption is most common in the U.S. A person adopted out of foster care often had to undergo several failed reunification efforts with birth parents, as well as moving from home to home while in foster care. It’s not something any foster child would wish on another, so refrain from comments assuming a person’s life is always “better” because of adoption.

7. “It sucks that you’re adopted. I’m sorry.”

While not all do, many adoptees have to cope with trauma and feelings of abandonment throughout their life. Being separated from biological parents — either at birth or through placement into the foster care system — leaves its mark.

But most adoptees don’t want pity. Although their personal origins are different than others, they aren’t damaged or less valid. Genetic connection isn’t the end-all-be-all of connection and relationships, and lamenting someone’s lack of that connection implies that their familial relationships are somehow “less than.”

Remember that not all adoptees harbor ill feelings toward their adoption, either.

8. “Sometimes I wish I was adopted.”

Adoption affects a person forever. It’s not a “cute” or “quirky” thing to wish for. Adoption involves separation from biological parents and history, and it comes with its own challenges (and rewards). Lighthearted comments like these can be insensitive and invalidate the very real experiences adoptees go through.

While it can be tempting to try to sympathize or relate to adoptees with this statement, you’re better off not saying anything at all.

9. “I’m not adopted, but here’s what I think…”

Unless they ask, never assume that an adoptee wants to know your opinion about their adoption experience.

When an adopted individual shares their story with you, the best thing you can do is listen. Adoption is a very personal thing, and every adoption story is different. No matter the good intentions, you should never try to explain adoption and its related aspects to an adoptee — especially when you have no connection to the process.

Just accept that they know more than you about adoption — and try to learn from the important details they are sharing with you.

10. “Are you adopted?”

An adoptee should be able to move through the world and make their adoption as much — or as little — of a story as they want. They don’t need you asking or reminding them of this personal history. Odds are, adoption is an integral part of their identity, but it’s not their whole story.

And, let’s repeat it again: Someone else’s adoption experience is never your business.

Any other comments and questions we missed? Drop them in the comments below!

The post 10 Things Never to Say to an Adoptee first appeared on Considering Adoption.

So, what if after days, weeks or months of searching, you’ve finally found your birth family? What do you do next?

Reaching out to birth family — especially if you’ve never had contact before — is a big step. You may not know how to do it properly and respectfully. You may not be sure you want to do it at all.

This blog’s for you. We’ve got seven tips to help you take the next step.

1. Know that you don’t have to make a decision right now.

Whatever you’re feeling about locating your birth parents, it’s completely OK. Finding your birth parents is a big deal for some and not so much for others. That’s totally normal — just like it’s totally normal to not know what to do yet.

You don’t have to decide what to do right now. Adoption is a lifelong journey, and you’ve probably had conflicting feelings about yours as you’ve grown up. Your feelings may continue to change in the future, too. It may take you years to decide you’re ready to reach out!

Whatever you decide today — whether that’s to start a birth family relationship or not — doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t change your mind in the future. Be comfortable with that knowledge.

2. Take it slow.

If you’re unsure about having a full-blown relationship with your birth family, start with something simple.

For example, if you connected with them on Facebook, send a short message every month to tell them a little about you and what’s going on in your life. If your birth family tries to advance the relationship faster than you want, don’t be afraid to decline and express your current preferences. Above all else, set contact boundaries that you are comfortable with — and stand by them.

Don’t forget to re-evaluate your feelings every few months. They’ll tell you whether you’re ready for a deeper birth family relationship.

3. Recognize that contact will change over time.

People today have busy lives. You and your birth family are no exception. After the excitement of the initial contact, you may find that frequency of contact drops off.

This doesn’t mean that your birth family has lost interest in you. Instead, life just got in the way. Busy schedules, work and children can change up priorities.

Don’t take it personally if your messages go unseen or meetings get postponed. Remember: Your birth family members are likely dealing with the same conflicting emotions as you.

4. Don’t overpromise.

Temper your birth family’s expectations. It can be flattering and exciting to hear birth family is excited to know you, but don’t promise a relationship you’re not ready for. If you don’t want an in-person relationship yet, you don’t have to commit to one, even if birth family members ask for it.

Relationships have two sides, and they can only work when both participants are on the same page. Don’t let yourself get pressured into contact you’re not ready for; your birth family should understand and give you the time you need to work out what’s best for you.

5. Manage your expectations.

On the same note, remember that not every birth family member will have the same contact preferences as you. Make sure to respect their wishes, too.

Adoptee and birth family relationships can be complicated. There’s often trauma and history between triad members, and it can manifest in unexpected ways. Be prepared for challenges to arise as you establish your relationship.

While there are plenty of positive open adoption relationships out there, they take a lot of time and respect to develop. Your relationship with your birth family likely won’t be picture-perfect right away. Manage your expectations from the start, and you’ll be less likely to get hurt when things don’t go as planned.

6. Seek out additional support.

Finding birth family can be a shock to adoptees, even those who have grown up in a happy and supportive home. Trauma and difficult emotions may re-emerge, and you may have trouble identifying and coping with them.

It’s never a bad idea to ask for help. Adoption-competent therapists can guide you through what you’re feeling now and what you may feel if you pursue a reunion. These therapists have experience in adoption reunions and can help you process your conflicting emotions.

They can also provide suggestions and advice for moving forward with your reunion healthily and safely.

7. Remember there’s no “wrong” or “right” way to be an adoptee.

Every adoptee is different. Some create long-lasting, intimate relationships with their birth family, while others are satisfied with knowing basic health and background history.

Whatever you decide, make sure it’s right for you. Give yourself grace as you navigate this new unknown. Don’t let anyone tell you what kind of contact you “should” have with birth parents. At the end of this day, this is your relationship and your life.

The post So, You Found Your Birth Family — Now What? first appeared on Considering Adoption.

With the holiday season coming up, how can you continue to safely social distance but still let your loved ones know you’re thinking of them?

This guide will help. Keep reading to find 10 great ideas for social-distancing and virtual gifts for your adoption triad members.

1. Create an online slideshow.

Everyone is familiar with the joys of a photobook from Shutterfly, Snapfish and Google Photos. Take it one step further and make those photos into an online slideshow!

A slideshow offers a few benefits a photobook cannot — the chance to intersperse short videos, voice recordings and links to related content. It’s is a great way to add your personality to your photo gift and make your triad members feel like they’re really there with you.

Check out these services to start yours:

• Adobe Spark
• Clideo
• Kizoa
• Times of Your Life DVDs
• VistaPix Media

2. Put together a home movie.

There’s nothing quite like a home movie. Gather your family members and put together some scenes you’ll look back on and smile. You could go simple and record your family’s everyday activities, or rope in some tiny directors to write and act out a mini-movie. Whether you’re sending to birth or adoptive family, a home movie just can’t be beaten.

3. Give them a meal on you.

While lots of people have been trying their hand at cooking and baking during COVID-19 (sourdough bread, anyone?) there’s always a night where putting together dinner is just too much of a bother. Enter the services below. Whether you want to provide some new recipes for budding cooks or to save a busy parent’s weeknight, send along a gift card to:

• Blue Apron
• Dinnerly
• DoorDash
• Hello Fresh
• Home Chef
• Grubhub
• Postmates
• Snap Kitchen
• UberEats

4. Sponsor their next movie night.

It seems like there’s a new streaming service every day — so there’s no shortage of options for your triad members to have a movie night. Send them a gift card for one of these services, Venmo some popcorn and soda money, and set up a mutual time for you to watch a new show or movie together (virtually, of course).

• Amazon Prime
• HBO Now
• Hulu
• Netflix
• Sling TV

5. Support their bibliophile tendencies.

Quarantine has led plenty of people to rediscover hobbies they didn’t have time for before. If someone in your adoption triad has read through their entire bookshelf in the last six months, give them some new options with digital subscriptions.

Find out which of these services is your triad member’s preferred:

• Audible
• Book of the Month
• Call Number
• Fairly Loot
• Kid Curated Books
• Kindle Unlimited
• Used Books Monthly

6. Connect them with their favorite celebrity.

Not for the budget-minded, Cameo allows you to hire a celebrity to send a personalized message to a loved one. Got a triad member who adores a musician or actor? Give them a gift they’ll never forget and cherish forever.

7. Put together a local scavenger hunt.

Feeling creative? If you’re familiar with the area where your adoption triad members live, why not personalize a scavenger hunt for a little social-distancing fun?

Reach out to local friends and family to help set the hunt up, and make sure to video call them as they follow your clues!

Not sure where to start? Check out these kits:

• Cajo Games
• Clue
• My Mystery Party
• Ready-to-Go Scavenger Hunt Kit (8+ Years)

8. Let their playlists go ad-free.

Everyone loves music. The ads that come along with free services? Not so much.

Give the gift of uninterrupted listening with gift cards to:

• Spotify
• Apple Music & iTunes
• Tidal

9. Send a handwritten letter.

With all the options for fancy gifts out there, it’s easy to forget how heartwarming snail mail can be. Taking the time to sit down and write out a letter to a triad member shows just how much you’re thinking of them. Add in some photos or other collections from your day, and you’ll spread joy easily.

Want some cute stationery for writing back and forth? Check out these sites:

• Kawaii Pen Shop
• Muji
• Paper Source
• The Paper Store

10. Schedule a triad video call.

Not all gifts have to cost money. In a time where human companionship and touch are needed more than ever, don’t underestimate the importance of connecting with the birth parents, adoptive parents or adoptee in your life. Schedule out a time where you can all sit down and catch up on each other’s lives. You can always incorporate one of the ideas above as an activity to keep the conversation going.

It’s the thought that counts when it comes to gift-giving. Don’t overthink it; do what feels right for your open adoption relationship.

Any other social-distancing or virtual gift ideas we missed? Drop them in the comments below!

The post 10 Social-Distancing Gift Ideas for Adoption Triad Members first appeared on Considering Adoption.

It’s been a long time coming. Or not. Everybody’s different. Hopefully, you’ve known your whole life that you were adopted. There is definitely a right time for being given that information.  There is not, however, a “right time” to be reunited with your birth parents. There is also not a wrong time. It’s completely up to you.

If you never come to the conclusion that a reunion is important to you, you may be in the minority among adopted children, but you are not alone. There are plenty of adoptees who decide that a reunion is a Pandora’s box that they’d rather not open. My birth daughter’s adoptive dad (who was himself adopted) AND her sister both decided a search for birth parents was not something they needed to do. If that’s your choice, be at peace with your conclusion and know that plenty of people feel the same way and live satisfied, fulfilling lives.

The majority of adoptees, however, are interested in a search and/or reunion. Many of you simply want to obtain your medical history and fill in any DNA questions you might have. Others are excited to see a face that looks like theirs or meet someone who might be similar in a biological way. Some want to know if there are siblings or other relatives. And others are searching for something deeper: a relationship, their birth story or answers to questions that have always been present.

The Planning Stages

So now you’ve done your search and successfully found your birth mother or father. And best of all, he or she is amenable to meeting. Perhaps you’ve exchanged letters, emails or a phone call. What’s the best way to proceed?

Carefully, and patiently. While this is very much about you, it’s important to remember the two other parts of your adoption triad and put yourself in each of their positions.

If you can, involve your adoptive parents in the planning process. Many parents have difficulty letting go of the fear they feel about sharing you with another parental figure. What if you really like them? What if this turns into a relationship that takes a part of you away from them? This is a great time to let your parents know that nothing will ever change the fact that they are your parents and you love them. Reassuring them of their place, and reminding them that this reunion is not a reflection on your relationship with them, is very important. And giving them a part in the preparation illustrates how much you value their support.

Perhaps your adoptive dad can help with planning your route if you’re driving, or making your plane reservations if you’re flying. Maybe your mom can go shopping with you for the perfect outfit. Run your ideas of where and when past them and listen to their input. And look for clues of sensitivity. If they seem to suffer with the information you are giving them, you might need to spare them every detail and switch to a “need to know” strategy. It’s best, however, not to hide these events from them. Your desire to search and get answers is natural, and a family-supported reunion is optimal.

Your birth parents are also experiencing a litany of emotions, and they can be all over the board. They could be on a bell curve from being overjoyed to being devastated. From agony to ecstasy. Take the time to gently take the temperature of the situation, and if they have agreed to a reunion, always try to imagine things from their perspective.

If your birth mother is surprised and hasn’t told anyone, don’t insist on meeting siblings or meeting in her hometown. Be sure to ask what works best for her and be sensitive to her needs and the timing that works for her. When my birth daughter wanted to meet, I couldn’t have been happier, but she was very understanding when I told her I’d need time to tell her half-sisters about her first. I had been waiting for the right time to tell them, and I never expected her to be ready for a reunion at age 16. She patiently waited until the opportunity presented itself and then we proceeded with our plan.

Finally, be courageous. The whole process can be intimidating and nerve-wracking. Things may not always go smoothly, and it will definitely take courage to go the distance. Just months after our long-awaited reunion, my side of the family was having a large reunion. My birth daughter gamely wanted to be part of it, and believe me, it was very brave to drop down in the middle of strangers and deal with the inevitable curiosity, questions and instant love. She handled it like a champion.

It’s Time!

Enjoy the big day, and stay in the moment. Leave your expectations at home, because in an emotionally charged event like this, there are no guarantees. Proceed with an open heart. If this has been a closed adoption up until now, bring photos of your childhood. Prepare stories from growing up that can lighten a mood or be meaningful. Think deeply about the love of both your birth parents and your adoptive parents. Understand that this may be difficult on many levels, and just be patient.

Hopefully, this reunion will be the start of an enriching relationship for all. There are no promises of course, but good planning and a tender approach will give you the best chance for that. In my book, Adopting Hope, the top three post-reunion regrets adoptees mentioned were pitting or playing birth parents against adoptive parents, expecting too much from the reunion, and not remembering the sacrifices made by both sets of parents for their sake.

If you’ve planned well, this can be a milestone time in your life, and possibly the beginning of new and enriching relationships. Just take care that it is not at the expense of your adoptive family. My birth daughter brought her adoptive mom with her, and it made the reunion even more special. We were lucky to develop the bond we made at the reunion into a blending of two families into one.  If you act from a place of love, patience, sensitivity and kindness, you will have the best chance at a positive outcome.

—

Lorri Antosz Benson is a two-time Emmy-Award-winning television producer, writer, author and former internationally syndicated columnist. Notably, she was the Senior Producer for DONAHUE, the acclaimed show hosted by the legendary Phil Donahue. Benson has written three books, two on adoption. Her latest book, Adopting Hope,  is a tremendous resource for any parent, but especially for those in the adoption world. It is a collection of stories, lessons learned, and words of wisdom from birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees from all over the country. This book follows To Have And Not To Hold, her memoir as a birth mother, the first in a series of three books for those involved in adoption. Benson is Founder and CEO of Family Matters, her family advocacy organization. She also maintains a blog for empty nesters, Feathering My Empty Nest at www.FeatheringMyEmptyNest.tumblr.com. She and her husband Steve reside in Santa Monica, Calif. and have four children and five grandchildren.

The post The Reunion Series – Part 3 first appeared on Considering Adoption.

If you’ve walked through the journey as an adoptee, then you understand how difficult it can be to explain adoption to someone else, and even more so the complicated, long-lasting emotions you are left with.

Professional therapy can be a great resource. If you’re spending a lot of time and emotional energy processing your experiences and identity as it relates to adoption, a therapist may be able to help you find avenues for growth and healing.

However, that’s only going to happen if you find the right therapist. And finding a therapist equipped to discuss adoption isn’t always easy.

There are only a handful of therapists that specialize in adoption. Many more work with children and families, but this doesn’t mean that they are prepared to be your guide to processing adoption. Understanding mental health and trauma does not directly correlate to understanding adoption.

How can you find the right therapist to unpack your adoption history? While this personal choice will ultimately be up to you, we’ve come up with a list of helpful questions to ask and qualities to look for in any prospective therapist.

Questions to Ask a Therapist as an Adoptee

Your search for a therapist will hinge specifically on what you are struggling with the most. You may deal daily with depression, anxiety, attachment disorders, sensory processing challenges or any host of other mental health needs that make life more difficult.

If you believe that your history of adoption is at the heart of your struggles, then finding an adoption-competent therapist is a must. Here are a few questions to ask (and answers to look for) that should help determine if the professional you are talking to is really prepared to provide the counseling you are looking for:

How much of your caseload involves working with adoptees?

If you’re going to be the only adoptee this therapist is working/has worked with, then you may want to look elsewhere. It’s a red flag if their response involves brushing this off, as if your unique experience can benefit from the same approach as any other patient.

Have you ever worked with adoptive parents or birth parents?

Experience with the varying perspective of people in the adoption triad can create a better understanding of adoption as a whole, which should benefit you.

What is your understanding of early childhood attachment challenges as they relate to adoption? 

Attachment theories are not the same as a general understanding of trauma. Any therapist you would like to see should have studied supplemental materials (such as TBRI developed by Karyn Purvis Institute) to better understand early childhood attachment challenges and their long-lasting effects.

Can you tell me a bit about your knowledge of Racial Identity Models, structural inequities, and racial identity issues in light of transracial adoption?

Has the potential therapist taken time to study and understand theories of race, social inequities in American society, and unique challenges of race and identity for children in transracial families? This type of knowledge isn’t the same as other areas of expertise required for general therapy practice.

How do you bring families — both biological and adoptive — into treatment?

While not a question that everyone will need to ask, it’s a good topic to bring up if you feel that session with your adoptive or biological parents could be helpful. It will also help you get a feeling for the therapist’s understanding of open adoption relationships.

Find Adoption Counseling

Hopefully these questions help you start a conversation with a potential counselor. Think of other questions you would like to ask, as well as the things you are looking for in the answers.

If you’re ready to begin your searching for adoption counseling, you could begin with our guide to finding an adoption counselor.

The post 5 Questions to Ask a Potential Adoption Therapist as an Adoptee first appeared on Considering Adoption.

What’s more important: An adoptee’s right to know or a birth parent’s privacy?

Most adoptees would say their right to know their history holds the highest priority. After all, don’t they have the right to know who they are and where they came from?

On the other hand, many birth parents — especially those who placed in the era of closed adoptions — would say their privacy matters more. Their placement is their story alone, they argue, and they have the right to decide how much of it is shared with the world.

The truth? Today, it’s a bit of a moot question, for a number of reasons.

Beyond the legal arguments that have centered around this concept, we know a few things from the last few decades of adoption history. We’ll share them with you now, so you can find your own answer to this important debate.

For Some Birth Parents, Privacy Was an Expectation

Every adoption is different, and so is every birth parent’s story. That said, when many birth parents chose adoption, they were in sensitive situations:

• They may have been afraid of their family members’ reaction.
• Their housing, financial support, or safety may have been compromised if people in their lives knew about the adoption.
• They may have chosen adoption to keep their child safe from a toxic situation.
• They may have been worried about the societal taboo of adoption, and feared general censure if they shared their story.

For all these reasons and more, some birth parents chose a closed adoption and asked that their privacy be upheld. In some cases, they weren’t even given the option of post-placement contact — led to believe by outdated research that a “clean break” was best for all involved. This choice often kept their name, personal history and adoption details sealed away for decades.

After years of validating their closed adoption choice, many birth parents do not wish to be contacted by their birth child out of fear of the fallout in their current lives, or because they’re emotionally overwhelmed at the prospect of reconnecting. Placing a child for adoption is emotionally complex, even long after placement; an adoptee reaching out may disrupt a birth parent’s current life in various ways.

But for Adoptees, Knowledge is Now the Norm

Many birth parents want to “move on” from the adoption and the painful time in their lives that it represents. But many adoptees are not able to “move on” from how adoption impacted them.

When a birth parent’s desire for privacy is at odds with their birth child’s needs and desires, should that privacy be upheld, even decades later?

Consider why many adoptees of closed adoptions search in the first place:

• They may need potentially life-saving information about their biological family’s medical history.
• They want their own children and grandchildren to know where they came from.
• They have unresolved feelings and something they need to say to their birth parents.
• Or, they may simply want to know their own history and have the opportunity to get to know their biological parents.

All reasons for deciding to search (or not to search) for one’s birth parents are valid. There may be a dire need to learn about one’s birth parents, but truly, the desire to learn about one’s birth parents is reason enough.

Legally, birth parents have a right to privacy until their child is an adult. But at that time — legally in many states and ethically across the board — adoptees have a right to know. And that means getting answers from their birth family.

Explaining one’s status as a birth parent is never easy. But it will likely be necessary. It’s entirely possible that an adoptee may reach out to other birth family members, surprising all involved if the adoption is a secret.

When you’re a birth parent, being open about your adoption and answering your child’s questions may be the best course of action — for your own emotional resolution, as well as for your birth child’s.

Adoption is a lifelong journey, not just for an adoptee but for a birth parent, too. If a parent places a child for adoption, it’s not something that can be forgotten about or ignored in the effort of maintaining “privacy.” Instead, it requires maturity and grace to come to terms with. It can be hard, but it’s the reality that a birth parent accepted.

Simply put: A birth parent doesn’t have the luxury of maintaining secrecy about a choice that changed someone else’s life forever.

There’s No Longer Such Thing as a Truly Anonymous Adoption

Anonymity is no longer guaranteed in any aspect of life, especially in adoption. Facial recognition software, social media, digital footprints, the prevalence of DNA testing and ancestry websites — it’s easier than ever for birth parents and adoptees to find one another, should they choose to. It’s often as easy as a Google search.

Today, adoptees can, will and should be able to learn about their histories. Regardless of whether a birth parent wants to be found, an adoptee will be able to if they want to search. The same is true of adoptees: Birth parents can find you and might reach out, whether or not you want them to.

Prospective birth parents: Make the decision to enter into an adoption accordingly.

Adoption triad members: Prepare yourself for the possibility of being contacted.

Every adoption triad member should assume that they can (and might) be found at any point. This means that:

• If you haven’t disclosed your status as an adoption triad member to the people closest to you, now is the time.
• You should consider how you would react to being contacted and emotionally prepare yourself for that possibility.
• You may want to reach out to your former adoption professional and let them know whether or not you want to be contacted if one of the other triad members calls the agency.

Ultimately, an adoptee’s right to know vs. birth parent privacy is a moot point. Anonymity is no longer an option in adoption; whether you had a closed adoption or you’re contemplating choosing a closed adoption now, you should know that there is no longer any way for your privacy to be maintained forever.

Birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees must come to terms with this as they move through their unique life experiences. It can be tough, but so are many other aspects of adoption.

If you’re struggling with post-placement contact, please reach out to your adoption professional or an adoption counselor.

The post The Debate: Adoptee’s Right to Know vs. Birth Parents’ Privacy first appeared on Considering Adoption.