Wrapping up the Holiday season and heading into the New Year, gratitude was on my mind once again.

WHAT IS GRATITUDE?

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines “gratitude” as the state of being grateful or thankfulness.

In sobriety recovery, we say that “Gratitude is an attitude.”

Gratitude.org claims:

“Benedictine monk Br. David Steindl-Rast suggests that two qualities belong in our basic definition of gratitude. The first is appreciation: You recognize that something is valuable to you, without consideration of its monetary worth. The second quality Br. David mentions is that gratitude is a response to something freely given to you — gratis.”

I consider gratitude to be a way of living. Gratitude isn’t just FEELING grateful, it’s ACTING grateful.

For example, I don’t just say “thank you” when someone does something kind for me like holding the door open when I enter a store. I smile, look them in the eyes, and make sure my heart is heard when I say, “thank you.” You see, it’s not just what we say, but how we say it that matters. Also, I like to give others little gifts to show gratitude like handwriting them a card, or I might do something kind and helpful for them to show them my gratitude.

MY HOLIDAY GRATITUDE LIST

As I reflect on this holiday season, I put together this list of things I am grateful for to help share the blessings that I have in my life today and maybe even help you ponder blessings that you have as well:

• My journey of healing as a birth mother and the opportunity to share my spirituality with other prospective & healing birth mothers.
• A platform to share my heart with other women who may also be working through the pains and the gains of choosing adoption for their babies.
• My amazing, smart, polite, and loving son, our communication, and his heart for me,
• My son’s patient, open-minded and heartfelt parents, our walk together since we met, and the wonderful life they are providing for my child.
• The strong support system I have built around me of quality, like-minded women who appreciate and encourage me.
• My adoring & supportive husband, who is always rooting for my well-being and happiness.
• A life in which all my needs are met today… I’m fed, clothed, housed and clean every day of my wonderful life.
• Hot coffee with creamer every morning when I wake up to sip while I say my morning prayers and prepare for another day.
• My relationship with my God, my strong & courageous faith, and my dedication to never giving up on myself or those I love.

GRATITUDE PROMPTS

Now it’s your turn to write a gratitude list! Whether you share it with others during this chilly season to warm another person’s heart, or you keep it to yourself as a reminder of every blessing you have, take this opportunity to use these prompts to create your very own gratitude list:

• Name three people who support your choice to place your baby for adoption and how they specifically show their support.
• List two positive traits you have found within your character that have been revealed through your adoption decision.
• Share about how your strength and courage as a birth mother has inspired someone else in your life or helped someone else walk through a difficult time.
• Talk about your own faith, no matter what your beliefs are, and how it has helped you mature on your healing journey.
• Celebrate five things you have accomplished this past year that you find encouraging and that help you to continue moving forward positively in your own life.

SHARING GRATITUDE

Now that you have compiled your gratitude list, take some action and share your thankful heart with another. Whether you share your list with a loved one, make it a post on social media, hold the door open for a stranger, give your time in holiday charity, or help someone else in a way that makes them feel good; Remember that gratitude is a way of living, not just a feeling.

BIRTH MOTHER & ADOPTION GRATITUDE

I am also very grateful for every birth mother who joins me in walking a healing journey. It takes the courage of a lioness and the strength of a giant to get through the adoption journey. But in my experience, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I have an overflowing of blessings in my life today, especially when it comes to my son and his parents.

If you are considering adoption for your baby, please know that you are not alone. Feel free to reach out for guidance, information and help by calling (800) ADOPTION. Adoption specialists are available 24/7 to assist any woman who may be ready to start inquiring about adoption. I encourage you to empower and educate yourself and know that there is healing for every birth mother who takes this journey!

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post Reflecting on Holiday Gratitude for Birth Mothers first appeared on Considering Adoption.

I call adoption a gift because of how the choice has played out in my own life and in my son’s life. He is blessed to have incredible, loving, and attentive parents who provide beyond his basic needs and give him so many opportunities educationally and recreationally to not only grow in maturity, but to flourish in life.

Of course, at the time I chose adoption, I felt like my soul was being ripped from my body. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I was to choose adoption, I would have to meet a prospective adoptive couple who would respect and honor my choice to have it be an open adoption.

It has been more than 13 years since I chose adoption for my baby, and every year I find myself repeatedly blessed by the decision to have my adoption be open.

What My Open Adoption is Like

Every 6 months to 1 year, my son’s mom sends me an update of how he is doing. I receive pictures with descriptions of his friends, family, and pets. She even writes me a letter outlining all the activities my son is involved in, how vacations play out and what he is excelling in whether in school or sports.

I cherish these updates. I have a Tupperware bin that I use specifically to store all of the memorabilia I receive from my son and his adoptive parents.

In between annual updates, my son’s parents send me birthday and Christmas presents from my son. Once he became old enough, he started choosing the gifts he wanted to send me. I cherish every single one!

I love opening my memorabilia bin and looking through the photos, letters and gifts as a reminder to myself that I absolutely made the right choice by choosing an open adoption for my baby.

Blessings of Open Adoption in My Life

I’m not the only one in this adoption triad who is blessed by an open adoption. My son knows he was chosen by me and his parents to have a special life. He even has a special name for me as his birth mother.

He knows who he is, where he came from, and that he has extra family and love in his life. This reality never could have been possible for him if his parents hadn’t done such a great job raising him openly as we had agreed upon pre-placement.

I also have the blessing of visiting my son, usually annually, so we can spend some time together and he can keep in touch and build a relationship with me as his birth mother. I see the importance of this connection for him. I always want him to feel secure and comforted in knowing he can come to me about anything, including and especially his identity and where he comes from.

I never want him to feel abandoned by me or confused because he has questions about me, or even his birth father.

Challenges of Open Adoption

Navigating an open adoption has not always been an easy road. There have been hurt feelings, insecurity and tension in my relationship with his parents at times.

However, when mature adults decide to come together in unity for the love of a child, peace finds its way back always. I am honored and proud to say that I love my son so much and that I love his parents so much. To me, they are not his “adoptive parents,” they are his parents, and I am his birth mother. All the parental roles in our adoption triad are important and honored within our dynamic.

Thoughts for Women Considering Adoption

I’m so grateful that I chose to have an open adoption. I can’t imagine how much worse my feelings of loss and grief would have been if I had chosen the option of a closed adoption.

There have been periods in my life, though, where either I have needed more space or my son’s parents have needed more space. These times are challenging, but if we respect the requests of each party, we find that our adoptive-family dynamic has evolved into mutual understandings today.

I don’t want to minimize any other birth mother’s decision for a closed adoption, and I want to make it clear that I do believe there are situations in which closed adoption is incredibly beneficial. While I could write out yet another list of the benefits of open adoption compared to the benefits of closed adoption, I prefer to say this:

It is up to each individual prospective birth mother to look within her own heart to determine what type of adoption best suits not only her child’s needs, but her needs as well. This is the beauty of free will: we get to make decisions about what is best for ourselves without anyone else influencing our choices.

I highly encourage any prospective birth mother reading this to ask yourself what option of adoption sits right in your own heart. If you need to talk to someone to learn more about the option of open and closed adoption in depth, please reach out to (800) ADOPTION. An adoption professional is available on that phone number 24/7 in the hopes of helping women considering adoption all across the country to make a decision for themselves about what is best for their own individual situation.

God Bless!

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post Open and Closed Adoption From a Post-Placement Perspective first appeared on Considering Adoption.

If you are, then please don’t feel negatively about these thoughts. Instead, focus on the positive thought that adoption could be a realistic option for you and your baby at any stage of your pregnancy.

Exploring the Challenging Emotions of Adoption

A potential birth mother can have all sorts of negative thoughts about herself and her baby pinballing through her mind.

I know firsthand what this experience can be like as a woman who did choose adoption for her baby. I want to encourage you to explore your thoughts and your emotions if you are considering adoption because you don’t want your baby or because you don’t want to be a parent. It takes courage to sift through negative thinking to get down to core emotions that can cause us to feel poorly about ourselves, or our baby, or our pregnancy situation.

Let’s explore some of the negative emotions that come along with “not wanting my baby,” or “not wanting to parent,” or “not wanting to be pregnant.”

Perhaps I can alleviate some of the negative connotations with these emotions and help you focus on what a powerful and selfless gift adoption really can be for you and your baby.

Overwhelmed

It is normal to feel overwhelmed when we find out we are pregnant but weren’t planning or expecting it. Feeling overwhelmed can take our focus off solutions and keep us stuck in a problem we are facing.

However, simply acknowledging that we feel overwhelmed by pregnancy news can be enough, sometimes, to lift us from a place of negativity to a solution-focused train of thought.

You can think of it in these steps:

1. Admit the overwhelmed feelings exist,
2. Acknowledge the thoughts that hurt you,
3. Then choose to look at the possible solutions in front of you.

Shame

Shame is one of the ickiest feelings I have ever experienced.

I think of shame as an internal degrading in which my thoughts tell me I have screwed up and there is no coming back from such a mistake.

Shame can cause any person to spiral into a whirlwind of self-hatred if left unchecked. If you are feeling shame because of thoughts like, “I don’t want my baby,” or “I don’t want to be a mother,” then I encourage you to recognize it.

Admit that shame is affecting you, and give yourself grace by allowing for those thoughts to be considered as just that: they are thoughts. Thoughts are not facts, but we need to challenge those thoughts, so they don’t feel so real.

For example, instead of giving into shame, try saying to yourself: “I am not ready to parent, and I am brave to consider a decision for my baby and myself like adoption.” Or, “It takes courage to face shame, and I know I am not alone in considering adoption.”

See how you can reframe shame to be a positive affirmation for yourself?

Unworthy

It is very common for women to struggle with feelings of “less-than” or “unworthiness,” whether facing an unexpected pregnancy or not. As it is, we seem to hold ourselves to higher standards than even Hollywood would bear upon us. However, I encourage you to give yourself grace and receive an affirmation of love:

“Your decision for adoption makes you an amazing mother, not a bad mother!”

Women who chose adoption for their babies are not less-than others. We are not even greater than others.  We are MORE than enough in ourselves and don’t need to compare our decisions to other women’s lives and choices.

All women are beautiful, and choosing adoption is an option we can look at as a gift we are giving to our child instead of a choice that will lead to a demoralizing level of womanhood. We are all human and it takes courage and strength to admit our own shortcomings. Admitting we are not ready to parent, or that we are not in a financial or emotional place to raise a baby, does not make us unworthy of life or future parenthood. It makes us human.

We are brave. Birth mothers typically tap into a level of bravery that many people are never faced with.

Considering Adoption for Your Baby

If you are struggling with thoughts like “I’m expecting and don’t want my baby,” or “I am pregnant and not wanting to parent,” then please allow me to encourage you to consider adoption for your baby.

Choosing adoption may bring emotions that feel negative, but we can always turn it around into a positive if we want to. Feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and unworthy are normal negative feelings and thoughts that you may experience, but you can always re-form them into a positive and self-loving affirmation.

Remember: If you live in the solution, the problem goes away.

Perhaps a selfless and loving solution for you is to choose the gift of adoption for your baby. If you would like to explore your emotions surrounding not wanting your baby and discuss the option of adoption, please call (800) ADOPTION to speak with an adoption professional. Someone is available 24/7 to talk with you, no strings attached, no pressure involved.

Remember always that you are never alone! God Bless!

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post Evaluating Your Emotions When You “Don’t Want” the Baby first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Are your individual circumstances preventing you from calling an adoption professional?

These are all legitimate questions for anyone considering adoption to have. The answer to these questions may seem simple and perhaps surprising:

You can choose to look at the option of adoption for your baby regardless of your circumstances.

Of course, it is best to take the first brave step of speaking with an adoption professional about your adoption inquiry. An adoption professional will not only walk you through the steps of the adoption process but will also be sure to inform you of any special considerations for your situation.

It might take some courage to pick up the phone and call, but you can do it!

My Personal Adoption Situation

I was a single mother. I was a lonely mother. I was a fierce mother.

I was finishing up my undergraduate studies when I found out I was pregnant. I had every intention to raise my baby on my own with a few people who promised to help support me while I worked after graduation. I was going to be a wonderful mother and provide for my baby, no matter what sacrifices it took or what challenges came my way. I was determined to raise this baby.

I remember finishing up my last undergraduate courses in the blistering heat of summer and eight months pregnant. I was mentally exhausted, physically drained, but still had a fierce heart determination to provide my baby the best life I possibly could.

Fast forward six months: I was parenting an infant on my own, breastfeeding and working full-time. It was all too much for me.

Reality Sets In

I was only getting about four hours of sleep per night. Those promises of support faded away into the breeze as the reality of helping take care of an infant came to the surface.

I began working in an entry level full-time position upon completion of my undergraduate degree. I hired a nanny to care for my son while I was at work. The commute from my home to the nanny’s and to work twice a day took hours of my limited time. Breastfeeding required regular pumping and midnight feedings. While my new career position paid well for an entry-level job, I still couldn’t make ends meet with the expenses of a newborn on my own. The birth father hadn’t been in the picture since around his initial contribution.

The circumstances I found myself in quickly took a significant toll on me.

I had pictured this life I would have as a mother, and no matter what, I couldn’t take care of myself well enough to take care of my child. After five months of parenting and a very rough evening with my infant son, it hit me like a lightning bolt: It was time to consider adoption.

My mind swarmed with what seemed like a million questions, all adding up to the big one: Could I choose adoption for my baby considering my personal circumstances?

It took an intense amount of courage to pick up the phone and call an adoption professional, but I thank God every day the answer to my questions was, “Yes, you can choose adoption for your baby.”

Your Individual Adoption Circumstances

There are many women who can choose adoption for their babies regardless of their circumstances. Some of the demographics of birth mothers include women who:

• Have the birth father in their child’s life
• Don’t have the birth father in the child’s life
• Are single
• Are in a relationship
• Have an older child
• Have multiple children
• Have an education
• Don’t have an education
• Live paycheck to paycheck
• Have a lot of support
• Have almost no support, etc.

The list goes on and on. No matter what your situation and demographics are, you have the option of considering adoption.

Speak With an Adoption Professional

It is always best to speak with an adoption professional regarding any questions you may have about adoption being a realistic option for you. Reach out to (800) ADOPTION and an adoption professional can discuss the adoption process with you and answer any questions you might have about your individual needs for adoption.

It is also important to remember that you decide your own adoption journey. If you are uncomfortable with anything you are being asked to do, don’t do it. It is very important to have an adoption professional that you trust.

You are in control of choosing your options, including and most importantly, who will adopt your baby, whether your adoption will be open, semi-open or closed and who your adoption agency will be. These are all some of the choices you get to make when you take your very own adoption journey.

I encourage you to educate yourself on your choice for adoption, and to be empowered in that decision. No one can make the choice for you. There is no such thing as a bad question, only a question that you don’t ask won’t get an answer. Take all your questions to an adoption professional that you trust and be reassured that you won’t be on this journey alone!

– Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post There Are Many Ways to Choose Adoption first appeared on Considering Adoption.

As a birth mother myself, I hold National Birth Mother’s Day in gratitude, as I am loved and celebrated, knowing I’m not alone and acknowledging the selfless gift I offered my child when I choose adoption for my baby.

The Origin of Birth Mother’s Day

National Birth Mother’s Day was first celebrated on Saturday, May 12, 1990 by a group of birth mothers from Seattle, Washington. Leading the cause was Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh, a birth mother who spoke up to break the silence of her loneliness.

These forward-thinking birth mothers were determined to come together as a community and embrace each other in their shared choice to choose adoption for their babies. They had faced feeling alone for long enough as birth mothers, and so they turned their despair into joy by creating a holiday that is now not only recognized by the United States, but by the entire world.

Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh desired to share her guidance on ceremonially celebrating her newly established holiday with other birth mothers in her book, “A Birth Mother’s Day Planner.” In it, she writes::

“Birth Mother’s Day and the Birth Mother’s Day Planner grew out of my own journey after losing my infant daughter in a closed adoption in 1978. It grew out of the experience of finding myself alone on a journey through a wilderness of grief.  I was a mother, yet was not seen as a mother by those around me or those who were parenting my daughter.  For many years I grieved in secret and felt myself to be invisible.

Yet even then, through tears, I remembered the great joy I had felt at my daughter’s birth.  It was an experience of triumph, transcendence, and ecstasy that became my personal yardstick of joy.  And so it was, I always observed her birthday as a day of celebration for both of us-of birth and birth-giving-even in the years of all day grief.”

National Birth Mother’s Day origins are credited to Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh and that band of birth mothers who celebrated each other in their own way in 1990. The world now has the privilege of recognizing Birth Mother’s Day every year on the Saturday before Mother’s Day.

My Self-Reflection on Birth Mother’s Day

As a birth mother, I commemorate National Birth Mother’s Day in gratitude. For me, it is a day to reflect on how strong, courageous, brave, and bold my decision to place my baby for adoption really was. I sacrificed much to give my baby a better life through different parents.

Some of the losses I’ve endured include being abandoned and disowned by friends and family who didn’t approve of my decision, giving up the future with my child as a legal and custodial mother raising my baby, and the acknowledgement that I could not provide the life for my child that I knew he deserved.

I still experience the wounds of my sacrifice every day, but it was made from pure, unconditional love. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son, but I have no regrets knowing that he is safe, loved, and secure by the amazing parents I chose for him. His parents are truly a blessing to both of us.

National Birth Mother’s Day, to me, is a day to celebrate that selfless and loving adoption sacrifice I made way back then, and continue to remember daily.

Celebrating YOUR Special Day

There is no right or wrong way to acknowledge National Birth Mother’s Day. This holiday can be a different experience for every individual birth mother. Some ideas for you to celebrate include:

• Sharing your story proudly as a birth mother on social media with the hashtag #NationalBirthMothersDay. You might use your post to empower and educate others on the beauty and the option of choosing adoption. You might write a post chronicling some of your experience, strength, and hope from your adoption story. You might create a video testimony to encourage other birth mothers who may feel alone on this day.
• Planting a flower or a tree in honor of your decision to selflessly place your baby for adoption to different parents who could and can provide a better life to your child. It takes a lot of courage to admit our weaknesses. The choice for adoption shows a level of humility and strength as a woman, no matter what your situation was at the time of adoption. A growing seed can be a metaphor for you as you grow on your own journey of healing post-placement.
• Creating a safe gathering space to celebrate with other birth mothers. Perhaps you know other women who have chosen adoption for their babies. If so, you can celebrate this day with them by planning a picnic, meeting in a group video chat, or reaching out with a simple phone call or text as a reminder that we celebrate Birth Mother’s Day as a community.

Happy National Birth Mother’s Day to all my fellow birth mothers! I know I am not alone, and neither are you. While being a birth mother has not been an easy journey, we can all choose to make the trek with gratitude in our hearts, smiles on our lips after the tears pass, and a song of hope for the future for ourselves and our child.

May your Saturday, May 13, 2023, be filled with self-care, self-love and encouragement that you are a brave woman for the decision you made to place your baby for adoption!

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post Celebrating National Birth Mother’s Day 2023 as a Birth Mother first appeared on Considering Adoption.

I haven’t written to you since the end of 2019. I tried to push myself to keep writing, but life became what seemed like all too much for me.

By the end of that year, I had been through a cancer diagnosis and treatment resulting in a loss that has prevented me from bringing life into the world again, and the end of a marriage in a difficult divorce. After these experiences, I couldn’t access the hope in my heart in the same way I had been able to previously when I would bear my soul for you. So, I made what was a very humbling decision for me: I decided to take a break from writing.

Stepping away from writing, for me, meant much more than not writing articles about hope for healing for birth mothers who have chosen adoption like me. It meant closing my heart off for a while to process a lot of anger, disappointment, pain, trauma, and basically for me to fall completely apart as a human being.

Looking back now, it was the best choice I could have made for myself and my own journey of healing. Sometimes, you need time to process the broken pieces before you begin to put it all back together. If you are a birth mother, too, then you may know what I mean.

It is so very important to me that when I write, I share my heart with others and not just fill pages with words that I can’t even relate to because I’m too shut down to reach the love that swells within my soul. It is from my depths of experience that I have written; then and now I speak to you again from my heart. I have missed writing but, often, self-care means knowing our limitations and honoring those weaknesses that are what makes us delicate, yet lovely, human beings.

Having weaknesses and flaws is what makes us human, and there is no greater self-care technique than honoring the frail yet resilient beings that we are. We also all have strengths in our own unique ways that make us human as well. This is why it is so vital that we come to a place of truly knowing ourselves and not focus on comparing who we are to others.

Only you can be the special you that the world needs. I have had to come to this place over the past few years. But, it was not an easy journey.

The hardships I had ensured seemed like too much, and I started stuffing all the bad feelings deep down into the depths of my soul in unhealthy habits. Where I had once found hope, I stored up pain and could no longer see or touch that hope beyond my own anguish.

It wasn’t until the end of 2021 that I realized I had crawled deep into a rabbit hole of darkness and self-loathing. Through a personal faith journey, I realized that only God Himself could pull me out of. When I finally surrendered to the end of myself; He did.

I have spent over a year on a new level of the journey of healing that my life has been called to. I have met and married my soulmate. I have sought faith in God to a wondrous depth that I can barely begin to convey. I completely removed myself from toxic relationships that I had held on to for dear life before.

I deleted all my social media profiles and have yet to return to that landscape. I have been learning to sit in peace and quiet to deal with myself. I have begun to allow myself to feel and talk about the pain that I had stored and protected so tightly deep inside of me to begin to make room for the hope within me to be found once again. I have been brought to a whole new space of appreciating the life I have today.

If you are reading this today and wondering if healing is possible, know this: Although the road is long, there can be a brighter future ahead for you.

My tagline from the start of writing about spiritual healing for birth mothers has been, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

Sometimes, we move backwards before we can begin to move forward again. And I took quite a few steps in the wrong direction before I was able to get back on my own healing path. However, I truly see now the value in admitting that we are only human. Our lives are not meant to be fortresses that we build out of fear or pride. We are not meant to fortify towers of pain within ourselves, only to mortar walls that end up keeping others out and trapping any hope of love in a place that not even we can find.

Knowing our limitations and honoring them is the beginning of wisdom. Whether I would have been lost for so long if I had honored that or not is irrelevant. It is what it is. The truth for me is that once I allowed the pain of difficulties to overcome my good heart, I couldn’t share the hope of healing with you anymore because, for a while, I couldn’t find it for myself.

My life can be a testimony if I choose to live it as such, and so can yours.

My name is Lindsay Arielle. I am a birth mother. There is more to my story than pain. I hold hope that no matter what challenges we may face in this lifetime, there can always be healing in the journey. Will you walk with me again?

-Lindsay Arielle

Lindsay Arielle is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption more than a decade ago. Over the years, Lindsay has chronicled her post-placement healing walk via her writing to share her experience, strength and hope with other birth mothers on their own paths of healing. Lindsay’s blogs boldly reflect that, “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”

The post An Invitation to Walk a Path of Healing Again first appeared on Considering Adoption.

Choosing Semi-Open Adoption: I Didn’t Realize Everything I’d Be Missing

I didn’t question my semi-open adoption plan while it was being proposed. It was a basic five-year plan that I’m sure the adoption lawyer had used in several other adoption cases both before and after mine. It stated that after placement the adoptive parents would send correspondence through the agency to me in the form of written letters and photos of my daughter until she turned five. An update once every few months for the first year of her life and then once a year for the remaining four years. At the time, while still pregnant, I thought that sounded great; I was going to get to see pictures of her until she was five! I just saw what I was getting, not everything I was going to be missing.

Back then, 21 years ago, cameras required film to take pictures and then you had to get that film developed before you could see the images you had captured. It was later in the evening of the day I had placed my beautiful daughter in the arms of her new loving parents and said goodbye. I was anxiously awaiting my mom’s return from the drugstore after developing film so I could see all of the pictures I had taken of my daughter during the two days I cared for her in the hospital. I knew then, on that same day I had said goodbye to her, while looking at and crying over the pictures I was left with, that five years was going to pass way too fast. I was already regretting my semi-open adoption plan.

When I gave birth to my daughter I was 22. This is not an extremely young age, but I was still naïve. Naïve to the fact that I had a voice, that I could have asked for more, that by giving two people my daughter to raise, pictures were the very least of things they could offer in return. I had never previously dealt with an attorney before. Even lawyers with the best intentions can seem intimidating to a young pregnant girl. Before I continue, I want to clarify that I was not coerced in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do by either the attorney or adoptive parents. They treated me with respect and care. I was simply not equipped with enough information to have made the best decision for what my future as a birth mom would be like and how that sixth year with no more updates would affect me. Had I been warned, had I perhaps known another birth mom that had already gotten to the sixth year of a semi-open adoption plan, then my views of a more open plan for myself would have been much different.

Requesting Ongoing Contact

As feared, five years passed in the blink of an eye. I had met my husband a year after the adoption and we were married two years later. He witnessed how I would eagerly count down the days until the next update on my daughter, always around her summer birthday. How I would cherish every single photo and letter that provided me with just a glimpse into her world and who she was. He also saw the dread in me leading up to that fifth year. What was I going to do if I couldn’t see how tall she had grown next year? How will I know what kind of toys she liked to play with? What outfit did she wear for her first grade picture? What was she for Halloween; did she play any sports, was she in the talent show, was her birthday cake chocolate or vanilla? All the things I wouldn’t get to see or read about. All these tiny little details and moments that make up a lifetime.

I hadn’t considered a fully open adoption while pregnant. I felt that letting someone else raise her, that placing my baby in their arms was going to be hard enough for me to do just the one time. Saying goodbye devastated me. How would I be able to see her regularly and have to say goodbye again every single time they took her home with them? I couldn’t stand the idea of watching them walk away with her in their arms over and over again. These were the thoughts I had and the moments I played over in my head while pregnant, my reasoning for not wanting to see her after the papers were signed. I thought it would be too hard for me. It took all of three seconds after I said goodbye and watched her leave the hospital room for me to realize how ignorant I was for thinking that way.

At the five year mark when I knew I still wasn’t ready to see the updates come to an end I wrote a letter to the adoptive parents and sent it, as usual, through the adoption agency to reroute to them directly. In my letter I asked if they would be open to continuing our correspondence through the mail. I stated that I knew it wasn’t in our original agreement but that I would be very appreciative if they’d consider it anyway. Waiting for their reply was perhaps more stressful for my husband than for me. I decided to resign to the fact that I was asking for something they hadn’t signed up for and I would have to accept a “no thank you” in response. My husband thought they owed it to me to keep sending the photos, but it wasn’t a matter of owing anyone, it was a matter of adhering to a contract. The “no thank you” came in the mail about a week later.

Why I Encourage Pregnant Women to Choose Fully Open Adoption

Sixteen years have passed since I’ve received an update on my daughter. She is now legally old enough to obtain her adoption records from the agency on her own. My anticipation could no longer be contained and I sent two letters to the adoption agency last summer making sure all of my contact information was on file and up-to-date. I still haven’t heard anything from my daughter or her parents.

I remind myself every day to not shift blame onto anyone else. I made an agreement. I signed an adoption contract and regretted the terms almost immediately. No one else did this to me. My advice to any birth parent considering a semi-adoption plan would be to consider what you’re agreeing to miss out on. Letters and pictures for five years were a great thing and I am so grateful for each one that I have that shows me just a little bit of my daughter that I otherwise would not have gotten to see. However, I know that if I had been coached just a little differently, or had the opportunity to know/see through someone else what it’s like to be in a more open adoption agreement, I would go back and choose the fully open option a thousand times.

In my eyes, a more open plan would have eliminated the need for updates through the mail. I would have instead, chosen to see first-hand how much my daughter had grown and what flavor birthday cake she had, and maybe have even gotten to tag along for trick-or-treating. These are some of the moments I missed out on in real life and, as time passed, in pictures too. I know now that if I had the chance to see her regularly the frequent goodbyes wouldn’t have been as hard as the one in the hospital was 21 years ago. The right open adoption plan can mean not having to say goodbye, just “see you next time.”For me, and for now, I’ll just keep wearing the edges of the precious photos and letters I am lucky enough to have until the next time I get to see my beautiful daughter again.

Laura Tuzzio is a writer, wife, mom, and birth mom. She shares her story to inspire and educate anyone touched by adoption.

The post Why I Would Choose an Open Adoption Plan [Advice from a Birth Mom] first appeared on Considering Adoption.

What Is Open Adoption?

Open adoption is a type of post-placement relationship in which a birth mother has direct communication with her baby after placing him or her for adoption. This communication can come in any form and any frequency. In an open adoption, adoptive parents and a birth mother choose to maintain a relationship with each other and with the adopted child throughout his or her upbringing.
Sometimes, a prospective birth mother chooses a waiting family who lives in the same state as her. Other times, an expectant mother chooses an adoptive family who lives out-of-state. Regardless of how near or far her child is, a birth mother in an open adoption can not only enjoy watching her baby grow up, but also be as big or as small a part of it as she desires.
If you are considering an open adoption, please speak with an adoption professional. They can equip you with the resources to determine if a successful open adoption can be an option for you!

How Do I Decide: Local or Not?

There are a few things to consider when deciding where you want your perfect adoptive family to live:

• Do you want to have frequent physical contact with the baby you are placing for adoption?
• Do you prefer that the adoptive parents live far away from your current residence?
• Do you want your child to grow up in a certain educational or religious system?
• Do you want to share only written correspondence and phone calls with the child being adopted?
• Do you want your child to be raised in a certain climate? Or near a certain landform?
• Is there a part of the country that you want your child exposed to?
• Do you want to share holidays or special occasions with your child throughout his or her upbringing?

These are only some of the questions you might ask yourself when making a decision about the openness of your adoption after placement and the location of your child’s prospective adoptive parents.
It is important to remember that this decision belongs to you, the prospective birth mother. No matter what your sphere of influence may be advising you, be sure that you have peace in your decision before moving forward with a waiting family. If at any point you change your mind about how you want to carry out your adoption wishes, be sure to inform your adoption professional right away.

Browse Online Adoptive Family Profiles

There are waiting families across the nation, in every state in the U.S. You can find a local waiting family through a local adoption agency or even a national adoption agency. Many adoption agencies let you browse waiting families on their websites, so you can start envisioning your perfect match today! You can also use online adoptive family profiles to help you determine where you want your child to live.
Dream big when it comes to your perfect open adoption. Let your adoption professional help you turn your own open adoption dream into a reality. Contact an open adoption professional today to learn more about how you can have your very own fairytale open adoption!
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter where your child lives physically — only where your child lives in your heart!
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.

The post Adoptive Parents: Near or Far? — Thoughts from a Birth Mother first appeared on Considering Adoption.

How Do I Know If I Have Found “The Ones?”

The first and most important indicator is a prospective birth mother’s motherly instinct. I know this from personal experience and wise words once gifted to me from a dear friend.
I have a friend who was told she could never bear children. So, her and her darling husband decided they would become adoptive parents. After adopting their two oldest children, a miracle was given to them, and my friend had a natural birth from her very own pregnancy!
I chose adoption for my baby and, when it was my turn to go through the rollercoaster ride of the adoption process, I was sure to call my friend every time it looked like there was about to be a scary turn. No matter the situation that I was facing, this friend kept giving me the same advice:
“Don’t spend energy trying to cultivate relationships that are not meant to be. When you are faced with a decision during this adoption process, listen to your gut. When it’s time for you to meet the prospective adoptive family who will raise your child, God will place them before you. When you meet your perfect adoptive family match, you will just… know. Trust your motherly instincts. They are a gift from God.”
So, I listened to her. And I couldn’t find appropriate words to express my gratitude to her and her advice even if I tried.
Oh, and she was right. I found them.

Creating Your Adoption Plan

The first step in an adoption process is creating an adoption plan with an adoption professional. This is the point where every prospective birth mother can start dreaming about the future for both herself and her baby.
In my adoption plan, I specified all the factors that were important to me in a waiting family. I knew I wanted my child to be raised in my home state so I could have an open adoption relationship with him after placement. I also knew I wanted a couple who had a strong moral compass and a desire to live a life based on other principles that I value. Many other factors came into consideration, as well, including the length of their relationship, their parenting and discipline styles, and the type of education and extracurricular activities they were involved in and which they wanted to share with their own child.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before you finalize your adoption plan — and your wishes for an adoptive family — with your adoption professional:

• What type of post-placement relationship do you want to have with your child after placing him or her for adoption?
  • If you prefer an open adoption, what type of contact do you want with your child and how often would you like that contact to take place?
• Where do you want your perfect adoptive family match to live?
  • Do you prefer to find a local family in your state through a local adoption agency?
  • Or do you have dreams of your child experiencing life from somewhere else in the United States?
• Do you have a preference on what religion an adoptive family practices?
• Do you have certain parenting or discipline styles that you want your child raised with?
• Are there certain experiences you want your child to have during his or her upbringing?
• Do you prefer your child attend a certain type of education institution, like public or private school?
• Would you like your child to be the oldest? Or would you like your child to have other siblings?

These are only a few questions that every prospective birth mother should consider as she decides what family is right for her baby.
Remember that prospective birth mothers have a bittersweet choice to make when it comes to choosing the perfect families for their babies. I know that, for me, I felt a great responsibility to my child when creating my vision of what a perfect  adoptive family would be like.

“Our” Perfect Match

I think it’s important that I say one thing I’ve found true in my own adoption experience:
Don’t just choose the waiting family that’s perfect for your baby. Chose the adoptive family that is perfect for YOU, too!
When I first decided that I was going to place my baby for adoption, my focus was on my son and finding the perfect adoptive family for him. However, very early into my adoption process, I realized that the only way I would remain at peace with my decision was to find a waiting family that was perfect for me, as well as for my child.
You see, I was looking for a very open adoption. I wanted frequent contact with my child during his upbringing and I also wanted to have a relationship with his adoptive parents. I wanted to find an adoptive couple who also desired to have a loving relationship with me. I didn’t want to be cut off from my son, and I knew that the perfect adoptive family for me would be a couple who wanted an open adoption as intensely as I did. Therefore, I told my adoption professional that I would only be looking for waiting families who were hoping to find an open adoption with a prospective birth mother.
No matter what you are looking for in your ideal adoptive family, express it to your adoption professional. You never know if an adoptive family is telling their adoption professional about the same thing in hopes of finding you.
So, go ahead and dream, girl! Dream big! Your perfect adoptive family match is out there. Just remember what my friend told me:
“Trust your gut.”
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.

The post How to Know Adoptive Parents are “The Ones” — Thoughts from a Birth Mother first appeared on Considering Adoption.

The Relationship Between Time and Birth Mother Satisfaction with Relinquishment

Recently, Families In Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services published an article: “The Relationship Between Time and Birth Mother Satisfaction With Relinquishment.”
This article explores how birth mothers make their choices for adoption and the experiences they have as a result. The study included 223 birth mothers who had placed their children for adoption within the past 25 years.
Researchers asked these birth mothers: “How satisfied are you with your decision to relinquish your child for adoption?”
Here is what the study found:
Six factors in a birth mother’s life stood out in terms of her feelings toward her adoption decision:

1. Time since relinquishment: For every year that passed, there was a decrease in satisfaction.
2. Age of the respondent: For every year for the age of the respondent, there was a decrease in satisfaction.
3. Education level: The more education a woman had, the less satisfaction she experienced, as compared to more satisfaction with less education.
4. Contact with the child: The more contact with the child, the higher the level of satisfaction.
5. Full-time employment: Full-time employment proved the most satisfactory type of employment.
6. Income: Those with higher income reported decreased satisfaction over time compared to those with lower income.

As we look at these results, there’s one thing to keep in mind: “The experiences reported by participants were varied and represent a broad spectrum of views about adoption.”

So, Is It True? Does Time Alone Heal All Wounds?

There is no black or white answer for this question concluded by the survey — because there is no simple answer for how any woman will feel at any given point after choosing adoption. There are too many life factors that come into play.
With so many factors playing into birth mother satisfaction over a certain period, more research must be conducted to determine concrete results. However, the implications of this study go to prove that our country is not doing nearly enough to support birth mothers long-term.
The truth is, no matter how much research I do, I can’t count on time alone to heal my wounds. There is self-effort, focus and determination involved to walk a path of healing. Of course, everyone is different, and everyone heals differently. Accept where you are on your healing journey, be kind to yourself, and most importantly — remember that you are not alone!
“When I stand before thee at the day’s end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” -Rabindranath Tagore
-Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for Considering Adoption. She placed her son for adoption eight years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.

The post Time Heals All Wounds, Except Choosing Adoption — Thoughts from a Birth Mother first appeared on Considering Adoption.